Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** Im Trying Again
Message 1: Im sorry. This conversation didnt go the way I had planned. I didnt mean to put you in your feelings or make you feel you had to defend yourself. I accepted your apology but I was just trying to explain my thought process. You and Seventeen (22) are always on me for being moody and passive aggressive. So I thought by me explaining myself it would ease any tension and we could move forward. I was clearing the air I guess. I have issues verbalizing my thoughts which is why I brushed you off when you came to talk to me. Sent 2:10pm Message 2: I knew that was wrong so when I went to bed I thought a message would be okay. I thought about what to say. I didnt mean for the tone to be off and make you feel like you were being attacked. That wasnt my intention. Sent 2:11pm Message 3: In regards to you and Boomerang I didnt mean ignore in a bad way. But more of I just give you guys your space. When you guys (total typo meant when he) come over you both just hang out in your room. Which is fine. When that happens I dont ignore you per say but I guess I just give you room. I know you bounce between us and I just do my own thing so you dont feel the need to chose. Im sorry if I make you feel like you have to sneak around or feel guilty for being with him. I never meant for you to feel that way. So Im sorry about that. Sent 2:15pm. Hopefully this works. I mean Im not sure what else to do. I try to verbalize myself and then it never works. This is why I usually keep things to myself. I just think this sucks because I have to go through all these hoops when Boomerang doesnt. I mean when he comes over he ignores all of us and hangs out in her room. If she doesnt jump to him then he gets upset and moody and a few times has threatened to leave because she pretty much wasnt paying enough attention to him. He is not the type of boyfriend where he comes over has dinner with us and plays a round of Uno. He cant be bothered with any of us and has made that clear. Hes said before he doesnt care that much for us and thinks her parenting style sucks and will NEVER introduce his kids to her. So fuck. She texted me back. Mom: Its fine. No worries.
2:17 pm - Monday, Aug. 25, 2014 *********************************************************************************** The Venomous Mother Texts
Mom: Im sorry you feel that way. Ive apologized a couple of times. Im really not sure what more should I do. As I explained, it truly was all last minute. 11:50am Mom: We planned this then cancelled it then planned it only to cancel it. It was last minute, lets just go. And that was when he showed up at the door. 11:51am Mom: Youre mad about snacks? Eleven (17) had the car. Im not sure why you didnt go to the store? 11:51am Mom: Im also sorry that I chose to confide in you and entrust you with personal information. I wont make that mistake again. 11:52am Mom: There is no way Im living with you, or anyone, and be ignored. There is no way I will allow that disrespect. 11:53am Mom: I think at this time, you may need to decide whats best for you. And if that means moving out, Ill need to know by tomorrow. 11:53am Phayth: No Im not mad about snacks. It wasnt that you left it was how you left. It wasnt a bad weekend and we were okay. I just didnt like the last minute thing. 11:54am Phayth: I didnt mean ignore like Im constantly ignoring you. Just when you guys are both around I dont feel I guess comfortable with you both since you both are so on and off. 11:55am Mom: And Ive apologized. Many times Phaythles, Ive apologized. 11:55am Phayth: I didnt mean to make you get all defensive. I was just trying to explain how I felt. Im not trying to offend you. 11:56am Mom: You feel it is best to ignore both he and I because you dont approve...Im stunned by that. 11:56am Phayth: I know you apologized. I accept it. I was expressing my feelings. Letting it out so I wasnt I guess so worked up about it. 11:57am Mom: Ill need to enroll Bub (7) in school. Its not like I dont enjoy you being with us or dont appreciate your help but youre out of line a little with those texts to me. 11:55am Phayth: Im not trying to be out of line. 11:57am Phayth: I was just saying. You like Boomerang. I get it. But then youll say stuff how you feel he doesnt like you. Or how he isnt making time for you. So im not sure how to treat you both. 11:58am Phayth: If you both stayed together happily then thats fine. But Im always confused at where you both stand. Sometimes youre like we're together and other times youre like we're just friends. 11:59am Phayth: Then sometimes youre like fuck Boomerang. 12:01pm Phayth: I want you happy. I didnt mean for this conversation to go so left. You apologized and I accepted I was just clarifying the way I was acting. And my thought process so we can move on. 12:03pm Mom: Thats my fault for thinking I could confide in you. I wont do that again. 12:04pm Phayth: If you want me to leave though I will. I didnt mean any disrespect or anything. Instead of bottling up my feelings all the time and acting passive aggressive I was just trying to express myself. 12:04pm Mom: Yeah but I came to you last night and asked what was wrong. We come in and you give us both attitude. How does that work Phayth when you live with us? 12:06pm Mom: I feel like I need your permission and/or like I need to sneak around. 12:07pm Mom: I need to put this discussion away for now. I actually cried myself to sleep last night. 12:07pm Phayth: I dont know how to talk to you so I sent the texts this morning to I guess let you know what was going on in my head. 12:07pm Mom: I went away on a great weekend. Couldnt wait to get back. Felt like I could be a better mom and walk in to you and Seven (13) giving me the cold shoulder. 12:08pm Mom: I need to set this aside for now. Have a good day. 12:08pm Phayth: I dont want you to feel like you have to sneak around. I dont know how it got like that. But you dont have too. I apologize if Ive made you feel like that. 12:08pm
I will say her acting like shes sneaking around is what annoys me the most about her relationship. She is never up front. Shes always acting funny about her and Boomerang. That was actually part of my issue with this whole weekend. You do not leave last minute for an entire weekend without your kids. You plan it. It wouldve been nice to be included or clued in on the plan. I didnt know Seven was being funny around her as well but I cant really blame him either. What she did was slightly fucked up. She'll never see it though. The only one she doesnt get so crazy with is Seventeen (22). If he would have said any of this she wouldve been a bit nicer about it. She always had an issue if I said ANYTHING about her life. Especially her boyfriends. And when shit gets like this she always chooses the man over me. Every time. But I cant be that upset. I shouldve seen this coming. Its never worked out long term with her and I. I know I talk shit in here about how I would leave. But fuck I really wasnt prepared (shame on me) and I dont know what the fuck to do. If I really have to leave I might have to go back to MI and try to find a place and a job out there. 12:43 pm - Monday, Aug. 25, 2014 *********************************************************************************** Text Messages Of My Feelings
I sent her a text message today instead. Well two really long ones. This way I was straight to the point and also got on some grown up shit to express how I feel. Message one: Im glad youre back and Im not being all attachment issues. You are grown and your allowed to do you. My issue was how you handled this weekend. You couldve at any point told me you were going to be gone the whole weekend. Instead I never knew what was going on. Maybe Seven (13) and Eleven (17) knew but I didnt. You had no issue telling me how happy you were and how much fun youre having and how youre now stress free but you couldve said hey Im leaving the whole weekend. That would have been nice. I wouldve been mentally prepared and since we were at the store I couldve bought a bunch of snacks and shit and made it into a slumber party weekend or something. I was irritated because I felt you didnt give me the courtesy of explaining the situation with me. Sent 8:49am. Message two: As for the tip toe on eggshells comment I am honestly not trying to make you feel that way. I cant stand you and Boomerang together. This is because yalls relationship is so fucking unstable. One day youre happy and all and 3 days later youre upset because hes not spending any time with you. Then 5 days later youre completely in love and happy. 8 days from that your crying in your room like your souls been broken. 5 days later you guys are together and happy again. It makes my head hurt. You like him. Im trying to give you room to like him. The best way I know how is to pretty much ignore you both. If you guys even out then maybe I wont be so weird. But I find it hard for you to be my mom and to not feel completely comfortable happy and respected by some guy. You deserve someone who is really there for you. I do want you to be happy. Im really not trying to make you feel some type of way or make you uncomfortable. Sent 8:56am. I havent heard shit from her. Im just worried that she'll take the messages the wrong way. I have to be very careful of the words and tone I use when talking to my mom and my brother Seventeen (22) because they take shit so sideways. Then they get defensive and angry and theyll constantly interrupt me and make it seem as though my feelings are completely unwarranted. Which is why I have issues expressing how I feel. Im trying to get better though because I realize all my feelings and thoughts in my head no one knows about. So I need to express myself so Im not always bottling things up. I told them this not even a month ago. How they are like two sumo wrestlers of all this energy and it gives me anxiety and instead of expressing myself verbally I keep it locked instead until Im able to digest it. They both agreed that was a horrible way to feel. I thought we were going somewhere positive forward but I guess not. I also worry that since I sent 2 big messages instead of a bunch of little ones that she didnt get it all. For the most part phones can convert but still. *Sigh* I just...I dont know. 10:07 am - Monday, Aug. 25, 2014 *********************************************************************************** That Fuckin Mother Of Mine
She said we are just too close to each other and that is creating "attachment issues". She is grown and she is allowed to do whatever she wants and she'll be damned if she tip toes around anyone and if I dont like it I can leave. Then she says she had the same conversation with Boomerang and how whatever choice she makes someone is bound to get hurt. I wonder if she told Boomerang if he didnt like her choices he can move on? Something tells me I was the one who got the ultimatum. My biggest issue with her is that she left us without saying anything. Hell she lied on Friday and was like Im leaving with Boomerang for a bit. I knew that was a lie since she took my hello kitty overnight bag. I didnt realize she wasnt going to come back until mid Sunday. Instead of all these fucking games she plays it would be nice if she was fucking straightforward for ONCE in her fucking life. If she would have been like Im leavin with Boomerang for the weekend and then we planned out who was able to use the car, and got food for the house, I would have honestly been okay with that. She is grown. I fucking hate Boomerang and think my mother is fucking pathetic in her attachment to him. But she is grown and I get it. But she was never straightforward and I was left with a bunch of kids and not really knowing what was going on and how long I was supposed to have them for. Thats what annoys me. Well pisses me off. Like treat me like the adult I am instead of like the little ones. I honestly wanted to be like give me my fucking 600$ and put Bub (7) in a real school (I somehow got suckered into homeschooling him) so I can leave. But I know Im full of shit. Im not going anywhere. Where would I go? I dont have enough saved up for shit and no where to stay, and no source of income. I just feel so stuck. And like a bum. 6:15 pm - Sunday, Aug. 24, 2014 *********************************************************************************** Crazy Ghost Mother
The only ways Ive really handled my emotional state when I am super stressed out is by smoking or cutting myself. I wish to do neither quite honestly. I did decide to start smoking again. Out of the two this seemed like the lesser evil, although my mouth tastes like a fucking ashtray, I can quit again. Once I get my bearings. Which honestly seems like a load of shit to me but oh well. At least when I get my shit under control again I can slap on a patch and move on. Cutting leaves scars. I am trying to get rid of my scars I have now so I dont come off as a big ass freak show when I do actually start being a proactive member of society by getting a boyfriend. Everyone has baggage but its easier to fake normal when your baggage isnt embedded and highlighted all over your skin. Just saying. I dont know how I even got like this. On Thursday we; Seventeen (22), mom, Seven (13), and Bub (7), went down to Chicago for a field trip/adventure. It was fun until I ended up having to walk over a bridge which made me almost hyperventilate, getting rained on so badly I was soaked, and getting shit on by a bird. I was laughing/crying and my family looked at me like they werent sure how to deal with me at this point. Then I had to get on a boat which I hate. I can swim. I love water. Getting on boats no matter how small the body of water is makes me freak out on the inside because I think of Jaws meets Titanic. I never claim to make sense. So Thursday mom and her boyfriend Boomerang were beefing I guess. I didnt want to get into it at all. I let her vent and told her there is nothing I can say because they are going to get back together. She got mad at me. Friday mom was moody as hell. Which is how she gets EVERY FUCKING time they break up. She gets depressive. Shes snappy. She cant stand us and pretty much texts him on the phone and hides in her room until they get back together. Then shes happy. Also does a lot of hiding in her room but with him in it when he comes over. So Friday we, her, Seven, Bub and I, go to the store. She was straight snapping on everyone. It wasnt a fun time. As soon as we get home Boomerang shows up and she packs her bags and leaves with him. She has been gone since and wont be back until sometime tomorrow. This means I have playing fucking house and mom with her kids. What a fucking shitty way to leave. She was mad at us the little time we saw her Friday and then she runs off with him. I get text messages about how she is just so happy now and blah blah blah. Im just so fucking upset about this. I cant fully figure out why I am upset but I am. Part of it is how she is. She is only happy with him. My mother has ALWAYS had a bad picker when it comes to men but this one takes the cake. When ever they are not apart she doesnt want to be with us. Her happiness is ONLY conditioned now to her being with him. Only he treats her like shit so they are ALWAYS fighting. Meaning she is happy now but 3 days from now she could be crying in her room depressed because it "hurts so much". When they are together she is wrapped into him. When they are apart all she cares about is getting back to him. My mother is disappearing. It pisses me off not for me per say but for my younger brothers. What type of message is this sending to them? Not to mention Im really NOT their mother and I dont like this role really. My head hurts and I wish I could just leave. 9:12 pm - Saturday, Aug. 23, 2014 *********************************************************************************** |
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