Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire



Ive been an emotional mess.

Im still honestly an emotional mess. Ive been eating EVERY feeling I have. Damn 'Rona and the car accident my sister was in.


Im not even sure how to begin this or express myself. This has been *SUCH* a fucking mess.

First:: My sister is okay. Not only did she survive this but she is currently out of the ICU and in this physical therapy rehab center place thing. She should be home before Thanksgiving.


Second:: I flew for the fist time to go visit her in the hospital while she was in ICU. Detroit airport is a confusing mess to get an uber out of. You think you go straight ahead to the street but nope! you go up an escalator to then go down to a creepy parking garage level to find your ride. #WhoKnew? #IWasSoLost #PoorDriver #ITippedHimThoughCauseItsNotHisFaultISuckAtDirectionsAndItWasLateAtNight

Third:: Even though I grew up in MI I havent lived there in years and I no longer like the vibe. People were hella rude. And its now known in my head that MI is thee state that had hillbillies try to kidnap the governor. I mean you cant make this shit up. The people at the hotel checking me in was hella rude. Im not sure why youre in hospitality if you hate your job?? I worked years in retail and I know how the general public is which is why I NEVER act up in public. So I was seriously bewildered about the standoffish stank vibes I was getting! I thought it was just them but every day I went to the hospital I was always getting chewed out by the first floor hospitality people. They had us wait in line and we need to slowly file into the hospital to get Covid screening and a visitors pass. I never saw ANYONE act up in line but the way the hospital staff was acting you would have thought we were trying to rob them or some shit. One day I got cussed out by a security guard because he didnt like where I was standing in the hospital in line to wait to get checked in for the pass. I moved where he wanted me to go ONLY to get chewed out by another worker because *SHE* didnt like where I was standing. It was so stressful. I dont want to be bitchy but my nerves were already frayed with visiting my sister in the ICU and not knowing what was going on with her that I really didnt appreciate the extra hostile energy I received everyday. In my mind though I just tried to wish them well cause I had no idea what they were dealing with in their personal lives.

Fourth:: Before I got to the hospital our mother had been there the first two weeks. As SOON as mom found out Thirteen (now 24) was injured mom caught a flight and was there. However she couldnt see Thirteen that day because Thirteens friend Potato (sometimes toxic girlfriend) aunt was there in the waiting room. Now. There can only be ONE person a day because of the 'Rona. And since Potato's aunt was NOT family she couldnt actually get in the room to SEE Thirteen and she couldnt talk to any doctors or anything. But. Because of her presence our mother nor our brother Seventeen (29) could get in there to actually see Thirteen that first day. Mom got ahold of our Gma (mom's mom) to see if she had Potato's aunts number so that she could leave and allow others in the hospital, like actual family to see Thirteen. Gma called Potato's aunt and told her that she needed to leave because Thirteen's mom was there and couldnt get in.

Fifth:: When our mom was there she was also getting into it with the hospital staff. Even though the hospital was a trauma center they were also a teaching hospital and that probably would not have bothered my mom but the VERY first doctor she meets on day 2 (she couldnt get in day 1) he walked in and said he no idea about Thirteen and he needed to read the case and blah blah. This set our mom on edge because it was unprofessional and Thirteen was potentially dying but resident was super casual about it. Also there were times our mom had to fight for Thirteens care. They at one point where readjusting Thirteen in the bed but she wasnt wearing a neck brace and they didnt support her neck and her neck was broke. Our mom actually stood at the head of the bed and held Thirteen's head stable because the nurses didnt care. They also werent properly documenting her care. Thirteen I guess was pooping so much at one point that they had to change her bedding and hook her butt tube thing to a bigger bag. However, the next day the resident on her case told my mom they were concerned that Thirteen wasnt having any bowel movements. When our mom corrected him and the team they were all surprised. There was another time when our mom came back the next day during visiting hours and Thirteen was red in the face and beads of sweat was all over her brow. She got into it with the nursing staff and the medical team. Someone FINALLY looked at Thirteen and they discovered she was septic and if they would have left that infection any longer it would have killed her. They finally gave her some antibiotics. I do believe there was more but thats all I can remember right now. The point being that they werent treating my sister correctly and our mom had to really advocate and push for better treatment for Thirteen.

Sixth:: This is where all the fuckery starts with Potato, Potato's mom and aunt, my gma against my mom that leads to social workers and court orders. #TrueStory Reliving all of this is emotionally draining because it just brings back up all the anger and hurt I felt. I'll have to come back and write the rest.

10:01 pm - Saturday, Nov. 14, 2020



What a fucking rollercoaster this journey has been. I have lost hope. Gained hope. Lost it. Gained it. Lost it. Gained it. I have cried so hard and much my damn throat hurts and I even lost my voice for a bit the other day.

As of right now she is stable(ish).

Her brain damage is also not as extensive as they thought. The neurosurgeon said it was the equivalent to someone falling down the stairs. Her shit got rocked but she'll heal. #HallejulahGrateful

Her lungs though are a mess. She has a fever and pneumonia. There is a lot of mucous secretion buildup that they have to keep suctioning out. She has fluid around the right lung that theyll need to put a chest tube in to drain the fluid. They need to keep the pressure off that lung so that it can expand properly.

Im back to having hope.

The doctors said itll be one step forward and ten steps back with recovery.

Game on. Im ready to hopscotch with my sister to the finish line.

11:27 am - Friday, Oct. 09, 2020



There is brain damage.

Her lungs are so bad that they are doing everything they can.

But it might not be enough.

And if they fix her lungs, with the brain damage...

It just looks awful.

I was so hopeful this morning. I truly felt she was going to pull through.

Our mom called me crying...



3:03 pm - Tuesday, Oct. 06, 2020



Her right lung collapsed and they had to insert a tube.

She doesnt appear to have any brain damage. #HallelujahGrateful

They had to put her back under sedation though.

Hopefully her body heals enough so we can move her to TX. She needs some sunshine and warm air. Both her and her son.

Me and mom talked about if she is too bad then mom would just encourage her to let go. I agreed. Its hard to talk about death but she has such extensive damage that it would be selfish to drag her through all of this. As for now there is still hope so we're encouraging her to fight.

Mom is meeting with a social worker for power of attorney, dealing with her estate and what would happen to her son.

This still feels so surreal.

11:50 am - Tuesday, Oct. 06, 2020


Thirteen Is Broken

I've been trying to figure out how to word this. I words are inadequate.

My sister was in a car crash on Saturday. She was in the passenger side, her friend was driving and the friends son was in the backseat. There was a woman driving an SUV who was going 70mph, swerving and she ran a red light. She plowed right into my sister. The blow was so hard that the car spun and then smacked into a light pole.

Also on my sisters side.

My sister had to be cut out via the jaws of life.

The town we grew up in, in MI is smallish so the hospital there felt she needed to go to a trauma center. They helicopter'd her to a bigger hospital in Detroit.

She was intubated in the first hospital because they said she was unresponsive and moaning. En route to the second hospital she developed brain swelling.

My mom flew out from TX to MI Saturday night. She's been there and I am glad.

From Saturday to today we have discovered: her spleen, liver (severely) and right kidney are lacerated. her abdomen is full of blood. her ribs are broken on the right side (well we now know they are broken on both sides) and the broken ribs are impacting her lungs. there is extra fluid around her lungs. her right knee is broke. her right arm is broke. her pelvis is either severely fractured or broken. the base of her neck is broken or fractured. she has a brain injury. shes developing an infection.

Every day is something new.

Every time my mom texts or calls I am waiting for her to tell me my sister has died.

I am bracing myself for it while hoping she pulls through.

I feel an INCREDIBLE amount of guilt. Every time I think about all the times I have cussed her out, dismissed her or let her down in any way I want to weep. Our relationship is complicated and fractured. But she is only 24. This cant be the end for her. But truthfully she has SO much damage and in so much pain, I'm sure she is struggling to hold on.

She has a 4 year old son. Thankfully he wasnt in the car. He was with our grandma. Ive got some issues with her. We found out about my sister, Thirteen, through my one brother, Seventeen (he still lives in MI). Our gma called him and told him. Mom then called Gma (her mom) to figure out WTF was happening and Gma was trying not to cry because she had Thirteen's son with her. So mom said she would call the hospital to get information and book a flight. Some of the first information we got was that Thirteen had internal injuries. So mom called gma to give her an update. Gma got an attitude and said she already knew because shes Thirteen emergency contact so the hospital called her. Mom was like thats great but how come you didnt call me to update me? Gma deadass said she didnt OWE her an update on her daughter and that she actually had her blocked so why is she EVEN calling her? Gma got super hostile and Mom was like I dont understand this energy and that now is not the time. Gma got loud, said some ish and hung up on Mom.


I want to cuss this old woman out but I'mma let it go and concentrate on my sister but our family dynamics are fucked up.

3:58 pm - Monday, Oct. 05, 2020


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