Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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I Fell Apart (WI)

I blew up my life. Its imploded.

I bought a car. I quit my job in MI after 2 months. I told them it was because of the commute (it was an hour to get to work). It was a government job. Great benefits. Paid well. I was making close to 21$/hr. Family was pissed.

I then moved to WI to start over. Im staying in my moms basement sleeping in a hammock because I'll get a job and move out. I got another child welfare job. Private agency. Paid close to 20$/hr. Decent benefits. Quit after 2 days.

I dont have enough to pay next months phone bill, insurance and car note. My family is pissed. Understandable. They want answers.

I dont know how to explain how every day I wake up and I want to die. I'm tired. And I just dont want to be bothered any more. I just cant do this anymore.

I'm broken.

7:43 pm - Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2018

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The Year of the Grown Up (MI)

Its been awhile since Ive written in here. Im actually quite proud I remembered my password. It looks different on here although that could be because if I was documenting my vast amount of feelings I was doing it through wordpress so I could pretend I was this happy go lucky person who was bubbly 24/7. exhausting I think my only complaint with dland would be I cant update my profile which is slightly annoying.

Anyway.

I finally moved which is fantastic news. I went from IL with my mom + brothers, back to WI with my mom + brothers, to MI with my grandparents. Three states in six months & its basically full circle for me I feel like. Only this time around my grandparents seem grumpier and dirtier.

They have two new hyper active dogs that are the fucking lickiest creatures ever + they shed a lot a lot. I have severe allergies which my grandma thinks Im faking. I am the child who had their tonsils taken out because they were inflamed along with these weird things in my nose called adenoids (I believe) when I was 8 or 9. Then around that same time I had to go in for literal allergy shots in my arm once a week for a few months + I think I was also supposed to go on a special diet but my family was like, ehh its too much work so we never did. Now as an adult I am taking antihistamine pills, nose spray and eye drops.

But sure. Im totally faking my allergies because I hate your dogs. I mean youve only known me my whole life.

Anyway.

This isnt forever. The reason why Im even back here is because I got a job as a social worker. I officially start Monday & Im excited. Very fucking nervous but excited. Ive never held a grown up job before. Ive always been under-employed working retail. So Im excited because I get an opportunity to flex my brain power (I have a BS in psychology + a MS in social psychology about time I put em to use) I get to make more than 10$/hr + I get to help people (as corny as that sounds). Im just nervous because Ive never really worked in an office before + I am now responsible for dressing myself (retail = uniforms) + what if no one likes me? Its like first day school jitters where I need to figure out where to go, who to meet & who is going to eat lunch with me, its just the grown up version.

So Im nervous but very excited because I have a job. I only need to deal with my grumpy + dirty grandparents for a couple months enough for me to save a few checks & then Ill be on my way. That is going to be exciting because Ive never really lived on my own. Even before this job when I was in WI & job hunting (living at moms house) my mom + Seventeen (26/brother) were trying to get me to verbally commit to getting a place with Seventeen.

Every time I said no its like they werent hearing me or trying to make me feel incredibly guilty for not wanting to do that. Ill be 29 this year. I fucking deserve the right to live on my own. I deserve to be my own person & not have to be someone elses maid or cook or faux mom.

So Im excited. Theyre in WI so I get a chance to really see what this adulting is all about. My grandparents truly act like they dont want me here which is cool. Its stressful but nice because it means no getting comfortable or reckless spending. I have six to eight weeks to collect enough checks to get the fuck out. This also means I need to kill it at work so that theyll keep me forever. In real life I am charming, fucking socially awkward but in the cutesy charming way. People (who happen to NOT be related to me) actually like me.

So, Im excited. 2018 is going to FINALLY be my year. :)

5:52 pm - Wednesday, Jun. 13, 2018

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