Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire


2020. New Decade. New Year. New Feelings.

In 2020 I want to be kinder to myself. Stop being so emotionally quick with the crazy. I want to discover myself. Actually love myself. In all ways.

I can’t keep living my life like this. I can’t keep getting in my way. Blocking my blessings. Shouting at myself that I’m not good enough. That I’m not confident enough. That I’m not pretty enough. That I’m not smart enough. Or capable enough.

I am. And I can be. I just need to believe in myself more. Way more.

I have spent these last 2/3 years running from myself. Stopping myself from achieving what I really want. What I ache for. I have literally done everything to run from it. To stop it.

I have tried every other career since I stopped social work because I was scared + I panicked. I told myself, more like falsely reassured myself, that I deserved a different career path. That I truly didn’t love or want to be this.

Only now a few days in to 2020 + I’m being really honest with myself. I WANT to be a clinical psychologist.

I would have been a really good social worker if I stayed in MI. I would’ve been living my BEST life. Almost 2 years in + a pro at what I do. I would have been in control. Confident. Comfortable. Had my own place + a cute office + a dope ass wardrobe. #Stuntin. That could have been me. That should have been me.

I could have also made it work in WI. I got hired in at a private agency. The man who interviewed me actually was impressed + hired me on his team. There was a group of us who got hired at the same time on to different teams. When we got a tour of the office + shown our cubbies, I was the only one whose desk was set up. My desk phone was programmed + showed my last name. I had a welcome sign + basically a welcome basket full of goodies. He even arranged the coffee pods in to a shape of a heart. It was incredibly sweet. I started to cry. Felt like I was drowning. I panicked + scribbled a note that I quit, left my badge + walked out. I try not to think of it because I used to burn with shame. Being truthful with myself I would have thrived + been nurtured there. I could have also had a cute office + apartment. Being there for a year + a half would have made me confident. That should have also been me.

I finally decided almost 2 years later to let it go. To absolutely own those mistakes. Feel it within. Sit with it. Simmer with it. Mourn it. And let it go. I fucked up + that’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. Truly. I can’t keep beating myself up.

I spent almost 2 years in such a fog + depression. I got hella fat + I’ve been semi active in trying to kill myself. I’m stepping away from the dark cloud. I hate it. I want sunshine + joy again.

I feel lighter now that I worked it out + gave myself permission to move past that.

I would like to go to grad school but I know for clinical psychology its hella competitive. In my heart of hearts I would LOVE to go to DuPaul or Loyola in Chicago. I now live in TX but I want to apply.

I think I can have good odds if I apply myself. I was thinking of also going to school to get the RN degree to eventually become a mental health nurse practitioner (MHNP). That route allows me to prescribe meds, which is something I really want.

I think if I got my masters in MHNP + then applied to get my Ph.D in clinical psychology, I would get in to those top schools.

It’s expensive though. Hella expensive considering I already have 100k in student loan debt for getting a BS + MS in psychology. That bill aint gonna pay itself + the thought of adding to it makes me queasy.

It’s ridiculous + doesn’t make sense. But. I would love the opportunity. I wouldn’t be done with school until I was 40. I also wouldn’t be able to buy a house or a new car but it would be so fun.

I know for sure I need a damn job so I’m back applying. Instead of telling myself that I can’t or I’m not good enough, they’re getting my resume anyway. It’s one thing if they tell me no, but a completely different thing if I stop myself.

I have to learn not to stop myself.

I’m also reeling in the eating again + am attempting to work out more. I’ve been going for walks, going to the gym for weights + cardio, + I’ve been doing some exercises around the house.

I want this year to be great so I’m trying.

”I won’t apologize for who I am. Instead, I’ll let it be the reason I rise above. This year, I am exactly where I need to be” ~R29Unbothered

- - Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2020


Random Rumblings (Therapy Vol.12)

Attachments are unstable with everybody.

Seventeen (28, brother) was Moms favorite growing up. He used to beat the shit out of me + Thirteen (23, sister). It was always excused. He rarely got in trouble. He was first in line to get anything. I mean anything; food, money, clothes, a ride, or any form of entertainment. He only fell out of favor now because him + Mom are beefing. I don’t know why. He woke up one day a few years ago + declared his hatred for Mom. He can’t stand her. She’s a shit parent. Blah, blah, etc. etc. (Reflecting: He is lashing out from a hurt place. He goes back + forth with her. One day he can’t stand her, the next he’s warmed up to her. When he deals with her it’s almost as if he’s stuck being this hurt little boy. I suggested therapy to work out these feelings + he shut me down. Feels he doesn’t need it *eye roll*)

Mom now claims she has never favored Seventeen + has never liked him. She told me it was always “awkward” + “forced” between them. That is complete bullshit. This so called awkwardness is a new development. It honestly came about since Seventeen no longer likes her. She sort of tried to make it work but he has not so within these last two years she withdrew her love + found a new favorite.

Twelve (22, brother) is now Moms favorite because he has loyalty + plays the game. He has said some things here + there, but nothing too bold. He’ll lightly check Mom + she’ll be surprised, but then she forgives him. She considers him her sounding board. The same shit him + Mom bitch Seventeen does, Twelve does. No one ever says anything. Well, if I catch it + point it out, I’m ignored or talked over. If Seventeen says anything, then he’s an asshole. Twelve gets away with being an asshole + a pretty selfish sibling because he is favored so the rules don’t apply to him. (Reflecting: This whole Seventeen is *such* an asshole has been a recent development, like the last few years. It’s gotten worse since him + Mom fell out. Now she also feeds into this whole asshole/bad guy narrative. We’ve had countless discussions about how we need to stop treating him like that. He IS a jerk but that isn’t ALL he is. He has done a LOT of work on his personality + how he interacts with us. His feelings get hurt when that growth is ignored then he pulls back/withdraws from us or reverts back into the asshole role.)

Thirteen was also a favorite child. She was favored heavily by Gma + Mom. She also got away with so much, especially when it came to Gma. Now with Mom, Seventeen outranked Thirteen. So if for example, Seventeen beat up Thirteen, Mom would take Seventeen’s side. Gma would however side with Thirteen because no one outranked her. If it came to me being beat up by Seventeen, Gma would side with him because he meant more to her than I did.

We grew up fighting over resources. Some of those resources were affection + attention. This allowed all of our attachments to become unstable. Instead of tight sibling bonds, we compete + dog each other out. We’re not stable. Half the time I’m not even sure if we like each other. The only way to fix it would be family therapy + we would need our Mom as well.

Mom doesn’t see it. She is living in an alternative world. She doesn’t understand why we aren’t tight knit + closer as siblings. She refuses to see her role in this. She has a habit of blaming us as if what we went through would magically go away now that the majority of us have crossed over into adulthood. Trauma doesn’t work like that. If we fought constantly + couldn’t stand each other as children those feelings don’t develop out of thin air in adulthood. If she isn’t blaming us then she is blaming Gma. Gma did do a number on us, as did Mom. Sometimes, she’ll admit a tiny role but she has this habit of saying she was a shit parent + then moving on.

I’m also to blame for this because I do have a habit of cosigning her feelings. I will say things like she tried + how we can’t carry the blame of her parenting for the rest of our lives. It is true to an extent. I mean, it works in theory saying we all need to get over the trauma + drama of our childhood; it is entirely different to live that way though. There are times where I am fine + will forgive her. There are times where I am simmering with rage about the things she has done + the things she continues to do. I also have no right to dictate when my siblings work out there trauma. That is not for me to say. I do however; still feel that therapy is recommended to work out these feelings. It’s such a confusing mess.

I do feel our Mom is delusional when it comes to how sibling bonds are supposed to be. She’s not close to her siblings at all. She is under the impression we are supposed to help raise our siblings. Not a help out, but parent in some ways.

This family favors the boys over the girls. There is an expectation that the girls are supposed to cater + almost serve the boys. Like it has been expected for me to clean, cook, babysit, raise my siblings, take care of all household things. I am expected to run errands + take the boys to all appointments. I’m also not to be too demanding. It’s so fucked up because I’m also the one taking out the trash, shoveling snow (when I lived where the cold hurts my face), rake the leaves, mow the lawn, etc. etc. Mom does it all as well. I’m not saying we need traditional gender roles + that my brothers should shovel snow, but it’s so ridiculous how hands off they’re allowed to be. If I fuss then I’m considered the problem child + even Mom will come up with excuses as to why they couldn’t do certain things. It’s why my brothers are doing so well while me + my sister are failing. We are struggling. Mental illness is more obvious with us.

Thirteen is struggling. She isn’t doing too well. Part of it is she has a drug problem + needs rehab. There is tension in the house with me + Mom because Mom doesn’t understand why I couldn’t have been a good sister + took care of my sister. In Mom’s perfect world, I would’ve stayed in MI with my job + had Thirteen living with me. I would’ve been responsible for taking care of Thirteen + her baby. Mom would’ve been a long distance Mother who sent money + gifts. Or if my shit was pulled together in WI I could have had Thirteen + her baby live with me there. Or if my shit was pulled together in TX I could have Thirteen + her baby live with me now, while Mom could just hang out + be there for the good times. I would LOVE to help with my sister but when I was in MI I was seriously overwhelmed by how fucked up the G’parents were being + how bad Thirteen was. She was constantly getting into trouble + had this girlfriend where all they did was fight. One time I was waiting for her in the parking lot + this older lady came out + said there was fighting going on in my sister’s girlfriends apartment. I mean the police were called. Thirteen clocked her girlfriend + gave her a black eye. Thirteen’s GF stabbed her a bunch of times in the arm with her car keys. Thirteen ended up needing stitches. I was fucking overwhelmed + quite honestly my feelings were hella hurt when I found out later on that basically Mom blamed me + said I didn’t do enough.

Mom will never admit it but she wants to be hands off. Since I couldn’t be Thirteen’s parent then Thirteen fucking up her life is somehow my fault.

I see it with Bub/Three (13, brother). He’s basically addicted to playing the Xbox + is struggling in school. She’ll yell at him that he needs better grades but she doesn’t limit his time or take away the game. It’s easier for her to be hands off. It’s easier for her to passively bitch but take no action. If she took away his Xbox then she’d have to deal with the fallout + entertain him.

I remember when he was 1 or 2 + he kept biting the freaking nipple off the bottle. Me + her talked about it + said no more bottles. Well. One night she actually had to have him because I was working late (This was during her stay at home as a single parent stage. This was only for a few months I believe. The entire household was excited when she finally took her ass back to work. She’s not a good stay at home parent. She’s one of those who needs an outside identity.). She ended up buying him nipples + gave him a bottle. Then had the nerve to get pissed at me because I was upset with her for switching up the plan. I had him most nights + had his ass damned near weaned. Instead of dealing with this temporary discomfort for the night like a parent, she took the easy way out.

Honestly, she has kids but she also doesn’t really want to be bothered. Which is why us older 3 are fucked up. She couldn’t be bothered with us most of our lives. She played favorites along with Gma. We grew up poor as fuck. Absent dad. Neglectful + distant Mother. Alcoholic Gma. Useless Step Gpa. Fighting amongst ourselves. I mean there are so many layers of abuse + trauma. This is just a generic list. It doesn’t include specific, personal instances that we’ve all gone through. Thus, why we’re unstable + dysfunctional adults.

I wish sometimes that I didn’t move from MI + kept that social work job. It would’ve been me, Thirteen, + Seventeen. Maybe we could’ve worked out our issues + bonded. Maybe I could’ve dragged them to therapy. Maybe we could’ve healed ourselves + had adventures. Maybe we could have experienced those buddy sibling relationships I see in the movies or read in books.

I often wish I could push pass my issues + mental illness + be that awesome older sister who could do things with my younger siblings. Have my shit together so we could get help + have all our shits together. I wish I could do more.

I wish I could have been the older sister I always wanted.

- - Friday, Dec. 13, 2019


What Do I Want

  • To be a better person

  • To have a full life

  • To take care of myself better

  • To stop being so scared

  • To be healthy

  • To be bold + really put my personality out there

  • To make my family proud

  • To actually have a career that makes sense + it’s satisfying

  • To stop shrinking myself

  • To stop eating my feelings

  • To get help

  • To not kill myself

My emotional state + wellbeing seems pretty stable right now. It has allowed me to be semi happy + hopeful. It also gave me clarity of the direction I want to take with my life. I worked through a suicidal urge + I realize I need to shit or get off the pot. I either need to kill myself + get it over with already or I need to dig deep + figure out how to live. This whole wishing I would just tip over + die is exhausting. It’s just so hard to live in this fucked up mental state. It’s paralyzing + I’m barely existing. I WANT to exist. I WANT to do things with my life. I WANT to travel. I WANT to see things. I WANT to learn a 2nd language. I WANT a stable job where I can comfortably pay all my bills. I WANT to move out if my moms house + finally live on my own.

I want to work in mental health. I want to be able to give back + help out urban/poor communities. Like maybe pro bono work or volunteering or something. I want a career I can be proud of + help others. I want something I can be fulfilled + excited.

I want to look at myself in the mirror + be proud of myself. To give myself great eye contact because I’m living my best life.

I can’t do that if I’m scared. Living in a suicidal fog. Or dead.

Ode to self: Try your best! You got this!

- - Tuesday, Dec. 10, 2019


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