Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire


Messy But On My Own

Im still messy. But getting better.

Ive been on an anti depressant for almost a year. In fact sometime next month will be my year. I need to find a therapist which Ill get to eventually but for now I use the K health app and I chat with someone there once a month and my meds get sent to my house. It's rather nice.

Im working.

I hate my job most days but Im trying to be optimistic and not wish it away.

Ive been trying to be more positive and shit.

The meds help but I also have to put in the work.

But still. My job is so...groans. I spend a lot of time on the phone solving peoples problems and I realize I HATE being on the phone all fucking day. Also the company I work for is annoying. They kind of remind me of a cult where their public image is all WE ARE SO AWESOME. COME SEE HOW AWESOME WE ARE. EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A PART OF THIS COMPANY. WE TREAT OUR EMPLOYEES LIKE FAMILY. BUT NOT IRONICALLY! WE ACTUALLY MEAN IT.

Ugh bangs head

It reminds me of the Devil Wears Prada and Andy is like why the fuck is everyone acting like this is the best place ever when everyone has issues and are super mean but they keep saying girls would KILL to be in your shoes!

Because other people fell for the propaganda so does not mean this place is a great company.

I'm going to suck it up though because I actually get to work from home. Which IS a plus, especially these days. The downside is Im either on the phone or on webcam. Talking to people. I guess I just thought Id enjoy it more? My background is retail and I did enjoy that. But I think because it wasnt just the phone and I got to interact with people that made it fun? Im not sure. Im still trying to figure those thoughts out.

On the other side of things I finally got my own place! confetti thrown I have to say this was a long time coming. But getting the fuck out my familys house and creating space has been sooooooo good for me and my mental health. I still see my family like once a week but I actually enjoy them more because Im not there all the time. I get to catch up with them without out all the added stress. And when Im tired of them I just go back home.

I love being home.

Im still in the process of furnishing my place. Very slow but Im getting there. Im trying to cultivate a vibe and create this relaxing oasis. I am a homebody so a soothing place is very important to me.

Im still socially awkward and shy as fuck but I am trying to put myself out there more. Even just exploring the new town I live in and going to a new store or something.

Ive also been thinking about dating but I still feel so fucking self conscience and weird about it. I dont know I get all embarrassed and blushy. Like I wouldnt even know what to do if some guy approached me. Id probably freeze, stutter or run away or something. Since I am a 32 year old adult Im sure that would be such a silly response. So Im trying to remind myself that its okay to let people in and to warm up to people outside of my family. Its scary but so is being a 50 year old cat lady. So. Ill be fine. I feel it. Maybe. Itll be okay.

Family wise?

Thats a fucking mess.

My sister is good. Shes healed. Sort of. She still has a limp and her arm is kind of weird, she was getting physical therapy. She stopped going. Shes so fucking hard headed. But she has her own place in MI and has a job and finally got her drivers license.

The bad part?

After her accident shit blew the fuck up.

So basically my gma has stopped talking to me and my mom (her daughter). My sister has accused my mom of wanting her settlement money. Which is actually laughable because 1) the majority of the money is going to medical bills and her lawyer 2) mom makes good money and is in fact supporting her.

Well....not anymore.

Once my sister (Thirteen) accused our mom of trying to kill her (?????? still have no clue how that came about), kidnap her son, being mean to the nurses and wanting Thirteen to live to get settlement money, our mom walked away. She was literally paying all of Thirteen's bills; phone, internet, heat, electricity, etc. buying her son shoes and clothes, buying Thirteen's shoes and clothes and seriously cashapp-ing her money like every other day. That doesnt even count all the times she would take off work and fly to MI to be by Thirteen's bedside AND when Thirteen got out the hospital she took her shopping and bought a bunch of shit to help furnish Thirteen's new apartment.

But sure mom is out to ruin Thirteen.

Thirteen has all her raggedy ass friends and my raggedy ass gma in her ear telling lies about mom.

The back and forth got so exhausting that I told mom to basically leave Thirteen alone. Mom created hard boundaries and told Thirteen she was no longer paying her bills. Mom even changed the passwords on all the apps like Netflix and Disney so Thirteen couldnt log on. Thirteen wasnt even upset that moms feelings were hurt and that mom needed a break from Thirteen. Nope. She was pissed because she felt she was OWED having her bills paid and that she was OWED access to Netflix.

Mind you I was also helping pay Thirteens bills (i didnt want our mom to shoulder it alone). I also helped furnish Thirteens place. When I got my stimmy I seriously ordered and got Thirteen and her son new bed frames and mattresses because I felt bad that when she got out of physical rehab her ass was sleeping on the floor. I have instacarted her groceries (mind you Im in TX and shes in MI) and numerous other things.

So at 25 with a child she got upset with us and thought it was unfair that we basically took back the support. She feels she shouldnt have to spend HER money on bills and things on her baby.

Its a whole ass mess. Truthfully I dont want to get further into it.

Just. Things are tense with the folks in MI. With gma, Thirteen and my one brother. It's been a mess.

I will say setting hard boundaries and not talking to them (more like fighting) is a relief. I feel like I can breathe again. Our mom feels the same. Us in TX aint trying to be bothered with all that.

9:05 pm - Sunday, Aug. 29, 2021


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