Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** The Squooze Fat Failure Who Sucks At Adulting Deadass? I thought I wouldve interviewed by now. I thought I wouldve been on/through multiple interviews by now. I started applying by end of June. I've gotten a few rejection emails but for the most part it's been radio silent which has me freaking out. I'm trying to be all positive but I'm running out of money. I have 2 months, maybe I might somehow squeeze another month to make it 3 to pay all my bills but im running out which has me freaking out. Hell, the amount I have on my credit card is freaking me out. I just feel like im being squooze which has my anxiety super high. So. I've been eating a lot. No more 10 pounds down. Instead o crept up a bit and im now only 7/6 pounds down. This makes me feel defeated and makes me want to eat more. Lemme just stay fat and miserable. Ugh. I just feel like a failure and I really wish I would stop feeling like that. But im not making any progress on life. I've been here since end of May and I wanted to hit the ground running. Instead I'm still fat. Still unemployed. I feel like I'm being judged by my family, especially my brothers who are basically wondering what the fuck is wrong with me in a not so subtle fashion. I'm trying to stay upbeat and hang in there but fuck it's hard. I wish I didnt feel like such a bum. I would like to know what it feels like to be grown and adult. I feel like I'm being punished for fucking up MI and having a mental health crisis. Fuck. Whenever It Happened - Tuesday, 30 July 2019 *********************************************************************************** Mini Donut Downfall Powdered Edition Yesterday, I went overboard with the carbs. I ate a container of donuts. Mini. Powdered sugar. I actually feel ashamed. On top of that I had a late dinner and ate a giant taco bowl. I woke up still full and mad at myself. I'm still a failure and I suck. I went to the gym and got all sweaty on the elliptical, but still. I cant outrun a bad diet. I was so much lighter this time last year. It's making me uncomfortable because for this year. I've been fat and unemployed. If I didnt fuck up my life and had a mental health crisis I'd be making money and at my goal weight living my best life. I'm trying to stay positive but the way my brain is set up I just want to throw in the towel, either quit or die. I dont know. It's hard fighting my brain every fucking day but I need to push through and keep going. I'll be okay. I really will. I need to remember that. Whenever It Happened - Monday, 29 July 2019 *********************************************************************************** Mini Butt Mental Health I Feel Good Though I feel better today, I woke up feeling lighter. I really need to acknowledge my feelings and emotions more often. Growing pains are inevitable and that's okay. I just feel I will get a job interview next week. I dont know why but I feel it. I'm going to be okay. I'm back on my calorie counting wagon. Tomorrow I'll go to the gym to do my 4 days in a row. Not only do I want to tone up but I would really like abs. Not like super poked out/toned abs but if I suck in and squint they're there, hah. I think it says a lot about a woman who takes care of her body through discipline by going to the gym and eating correct. I want to look like I take care of myself. Well, I dont want to look like it, I truly want to take care of myself. I want to look good and feel good. Itll help mentally as well. I also want to work on my butt. It's small which is okay but I need it to poke out a bit more. Where my thigh and butt meets there is a dip but I need a little more definement between the two. I want it to clearly look like two separate pieces/body parts. I want it to look good. I think the biggest it's going to be is like Gabrielle Union. Not going to lie when I saw her bikini pics on IG I was surprised by the size. It is not the biggest butt yet she had no qualms about showing it off. And it looked fantastic! Hell. She looks fantastic. It's very clear she is taking care of herself so that's my goal. To take care of myself better and adopt a carefree attitude. This is the year I do more than exist. Even when my anxiety acts up I need to push past it and continue to thrive. Whenever It Happened - Saturday, 27 July 2019 *********************************************************************************** |
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