Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** Therapy Vol.11 Yesterday was rough. I've been feeling really good so I've basically neglected writing in the journal. Even when I had the urge to write things down and process, I was like nah, I'm good and kept going towards the chaos. So then it really comes as no surprise I've been feeling weird and ate 3,000 calories worth of junk. The day started okay and then I had a binge moment. Afterwards I felt like complete shit and had sharp pains in my stomach as well as feeling super bloated. It wasnt just yesterday though. I've been eating more and later than I should. Because of that i have gained 2 1/2 pounds within 3 days. I got on the scale this morning and felt all sad and disappointed with myself. So what has been happening? I need to be real and analyze my feelings. I know now my emotional eating is usually triggered when I'm uncomfortable or anxious. Coincidently I've been applying to jobs and creating a bucket list. Thinking about the future gives me anxiety. This job I've applied to and sort of want is giving me anxiety. Let's dissect the feelings. Why am I anxious? I wrote a list about all the things I want to do. I even started a list for new clothes when I finally drop 40 pounds. I even have a list for home decor and the upgrades for my car when I start working. I also applied to this CPS job. When I applied I felt good and thought I could handle it. I've been dragging my feet about doing the assessments. I finally finished them yesterday and the thought of actually getting called to interview and possibly getting this job freaked me out. Mom wants to do more things like the hot air balloon festival in New Mexico in October and fly to Miami sometime and do Essence Fest next July in New Orleans. All things reasonable. All things I really want to do. All things are giving me anxiety. Why do I think it's hard? Why do I want to run? The job now freaks me out. I was at peace with it when I applied. Figured out a life plan where I wouldve worked for them for 3 years and eventually get a new career. I felt good. CPS sucks and can be a handful and slightly dangerous but I was okay with that. It's a mobile office so basically I work from home until I need to go out which is really nice. They offer more training than my last CPS job. I get a mentor and 80% of training happens on the field and only 20% is classroom. After 120 days i get bonus of 400/month on top of what i make. My starting wage is slightly higher than last job and i have the potential to start off higher than that because i have a masters. I could see it and I wanted it. Then I had this moment where I felt like I would be an utter failure. So I took my sweet time doing the assessments and I honestly hope they dont call me. I'm now nervous and twitchy every time my phone rings. I just dont fully understand. I think it might be the mentor thing. Hanging out with another person triggers my social anxiety. Small talk makes me want to die inside. Theres probably going to be times where I lead and get observed. My stomach feels sick at the thought. I try and tell myself it's just like working retail. It's always awkward the first 90 days and then it feels normal. Try to tell myself itll be okay. But the thought of them calling me makes me want to eat every carb in the house. I think all the the lists and wanting to lose 40 pounds is putting all this pressure on me. All this pressure is then making me nervous. Which makes me eat. Which makes me fat. Which makes me feel like a failure. Instead of focusing on how fat I am and that if I was lighter I could enjoy myself more, I need to focus on that this is a lifestyle change. That this isnt easy. It wont happen overnight. It takes work. Itll be okay. It really will. The mom adventure thing is because I feel like a failure. And because I'm a fatty. Failure fattys don't do fun cool stuff. Like I need to punish myself and stay home. This is also because my self esteem is tied to me losing weight and trying to gain my mothers approval. I'm not the child she really wants to have adventures with but she'll deal with it. She needs a buddy. But I'm not really cool. As soon as one of my other siblings come or she finds a boyfriend I'll be replaced. How to cope? I need to be okay with myself. Forgive myself. Accept myself. I need to be better at acknowledging my feelings. Healing and being a better version of myself isnt a linear process. It's okay if I have moments of self doubt and anxiety. They do not go away. But. I cannot continue to let them cripple me. I do myself no favors by ignoring my emotions and eating a shit ton of food. My goal now is to be kinder to myself. I truly believe I'll be alright. 11:13 am - Thursday, Jul. 25, 2019 *********************************************************************************** Therapy Vol.10 I've been applying to jobs. I made it to the second round for CPS at this one company. I'm kind of excited. Been going to the gym which makes me feel really good. I haven't gone this week cause I'm still anxious about going on my own and my mom has been traveling, but I'm hopeful within the next week or so I'll feel comfortable enough on my own. I bought a scale. I'm down 10 pounds which is great! Probably water weight but it's still good! I figured with the move, anxiety and trying to get my eating under control I'd be heavier. I feel the journal therapy, going to the gym and tracking calories has been really good for me. I like where I'm headed. I'm trying to map out a future plan for myself career wise which is super exciting. The past couple years I've felt sort of blind and stuck. I just couldn't see a future. I felt too blue but now I've got a couple of ideas. I'm getting my room together which is exciting. I've got all these plans and lists and shit. I just need money to make it all happen. Hopefully in 6 months I'll have a firm budget and be able to move out. I'll be able to decorate my own place and that seriously thrills me. I also have plans to pull my car together. It's a 2013 but does not have automatic locks and I just discovered there are aftermarket products for cars so I'll definitely upgrade that along with a new radio system and back up camera. I dont know. Overall I just feel good. Peaceful. Instead of existing I'm trying to figure out how to live life and not hate myself all the time. I want to be how normal people are. I dont fully understand how to get there but I'm working on it. If I could snap my fingers and make it happen, my relationship with food would look like... It would be functional. Normal. Healthy. I could eat and enjoy food at a normal rate instead of consuming too much of it. My body would be able to regulate on it's own and I wouldnt have to constantly pay attention and track calories. I want to just really enjoy food without the emotional eating aspect. Food shouldn't be therapy or a crutch. It should be a happy social thing to be savored not a sad, shove a bunch in my mouth thing. "All the versions of you/that you didnt love,/brought you to the version/of you, that you love now./Be grateful for every you--/you've been"~Lalah Delia "Your healing will take time. It will require patience and softness. But never let the frustration of how long it's taking poison your spirit. There are parts of you that haven't healed fully that still deserve love"~iambrillyant 12:50 pm - Monday, Jul. 22, 2019 *********************************************************************************** |
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