Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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Therapy Vol.3

A new day. Been sticking to the workouts, calorie limit and writing. I actually feel really good. I think this is working. Instead of just writing down my thoughts and complaints, I've been focusing on really thinking and analyzing myself. I'm doing a lot more reflecting and how that effects me now. Im also just letting the writing flow instead of trying to sound a certain way or thinking before I write. I've been realizing things I forgot was there or happened to me. I'm seeing patterns I didnt even recognize. I feel like I'm seeing myself differently. It's hard to explain but I feel a shift.

What am I craving in life that I'm using food to fulfill?

This one is tough because im not really sure but there are things I want. I think I realize I want to do more things and have more adventure in my life. I'll see things and want to try. Like I'll see something about rock climbing and I'd go, oooooo that looks like fun! I'd probably suck and fall off the wall but that's what a harness is for, right? Or scuba diving. I LOVE to swim and be in water (it's sadly been ages since I've swam) and being under water would be cool! What if I saw a shark? Oooooo. I want to do a proper vacation and go explore an island. Laying on a sandy beach or learning how to surf or even jet ski. How awesome would that be? Or taking a cooking class. I can cook but not cook-cook. Honestly I'm not that fond of cooking but I LOVE to bake. Learning how to make different desserts and decorate like a pastry chef would be a fucking dream.

And then I tell myself I'm being fucking stupid. Who am I to want those things? People like me cant do shit like that. I'm being ridiculous and it's all basically a fucking pipe dream. I live in a fantasy world and need to come back to reality.

Then I go find a snack and beat myself up.

"In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you"~Andrea Dykstra

"It is okay/to still be/putting/yourself/together"~b.m.

10:00 am - Monday, Jun. 17, 2019

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Therapy Vol.2

Today I woke up and didnt feel quite so anxious. I feel like I can do this and be okay.

When I stripped down to take a shower and saw my body I didnt despair. Normally I feel horrible and like a fucking failure but today I noticed my trouble areas like my back fat and arm pit fat and basically was like in a few months when this shit is smooth its gonna look so damn good. I'm trying to look at this from a positive perspective instead of always being negative and wallowing.

So far my diet has been going well. The other day I went over 1600 and ended up a little over 2000 because I went ham on the mac n cheese. It sucked but I didnt get sad and give up. I tracked it and stopped eating. Still finished before my fasting window closed which is a plus.

When I was 12, my relationship with food could be described as...

Not very good. Terrible. Out of control. I was already a chunky ass kid by then. I didnt feel that bad though. I was shy but had confidence. I was doing weird shit like using highlighter to dye my eyebrows, wearing white mascara and even using eyeliner/eyeshadow as lipstick. I felt curvy but cute. I had an ass. To this day I dont know where that went.

I was also not living with my mom or siblings. I was around to babysit if needed (which I swear was often) but I lived with my grandparents. My gma was a functioning alcoholic and was often angry from hang overs or up partying late at night with music blaring. Sometimes she'd drive home drunk. I cant even remember how many times I'd see her swaying to music while snapping her fingers or squatting outside somewhere peeing. It was crazy.

My gma was drunk and my step gpa really didnt do shit. He would fuss here and there or become passive aggressive about the situation but it was clear that gma wore the pants. Complaining to mom was stupid because she didnt want me so she wouldnt help and sometimes she would turn around and tell gma what I said which would make it worse. If I defended myself either verbally or by trying to get away from gma (she would often get physical) he would call my mom and say they couldn't keep me. This would result in my mother getting pissed at me because she didnt want me and she would usually cuss me out or beat my ass.

Writing that was hard. My chest feels tight and I want to cry. It's all these flashes of memories that I tucked away. Nobody wanted me. I kept getting bounced around from house to house and I experienced every adult telling me how much they couldn't stand me. I felt like a red headed step child and that I was a burden. That's around the time I was having suicidal thoughts and I started cutting myself at 13/14.

Sometime in there I turned to food. I loved carbs so crackers and bread were my jam. Honestly I think I was probably closer to 8 when I started sneaking bread to self soothe. I think though, I wouldve self corrected but my gma would get weird with food. Like she would always push 2nd helpings at me or say things if I had room to drink then I had room to eat and I wouldnt be able to leave the table until my plate was clean. A lot of times she would make me finish her plate saying she was full and that I needed to finish it. Even if I said I didnt want it she would become really aggressive and wouldnt let me leave until it was gone. It got to the point where I would stop fighting her and just eat it without complaining. I've always hated conflict (still do. I shut down when there is yelling or a lot of uncomfortable/angry tension) so it seemed easier to do what she wanted. She would always gloat about how much skinnier she was and how she couldn't understand how I could possibly eat so much. I didnt realize until I was older what a twisted bitch she was and how this was basically psychological warfare.

Even now when I see her she does it. Every time I visit regardless if we're at her house or a restaurant and tries to give me her food. Always me. NEVER any other family member. Not even one of my siblings. I always say no. I'm not hungry and I'll be damned if I eat someone else's scraps. The fuck?! I'm no longer that little lost kid I do have a voice and agency in this. She always gets mad and I always get flustered and embarrassed as if I did something wrong. But. I dont give in. Sometimes that results with her not talking to me for a few hours. She favors the silent treatment because shes used to people basically begging her to talk but I've never been one of those people. I LOVE getting the silent treatment. Shit its peace and tranquility. I would prefer some of my crazy ass family members to STOP speaking to me.

I also remember being at my moms house watching her kids and trying not to eat there because she would always act like I ate all her food. As if I sat around all day going through her cupboards. She already didnt like me and I wanted her too so I would try to keep what I ate at a minimum. I remember getting paranoid and my stomach hurting from worrying too much everytime I saw one of my other siblings go through the cupboards eating whatever. They wouldnt listen to my ass and I always knew I'd get cussed out (which I hated). One time I saw she had one roll of crackers left so I figured it would be safe if that's all I ate while I was there. Well, she noticed because her stomach was upset or something and wanted the crackers and was so fucking PISSED that I ate them. She chewed. My. Ass. Out. I felt so humiliated that I started choking up and crying. And when I got back to gmas house I binge ate because fuck it, she already thinks I'm fat and awful. It created this cycle and by the time I moved back in with my mom I was already broken. She didnt want me. I was already fat and she already felt I ate her out of house and home so why hide it? It's just who I was now.

This is hard. Fuck. I feel super emotional bringing this all back up.

So basically around 12 my relationship with food developed into something that felt kind of shameful. I never, truly enjoyed food. I just shoved it in my mouth and ate fast. Even now that is something I have to work on. I eat too fast and by the time my brain and stomach have decided I'm full, I've eaten 2 servings.

I also realized that I feel guilt over food. If there are leftovers I feel I must eat them. Like, I feel really bad if I dont eat food that's prepped or cooked and needs to be eaten. I also feel as if I'm letting people down or making them upset if I dont eat the food they make.

Still working on fixing these issues. I've honestly never made the connection between my family and food, especially the one with my gma. That really shocked me as I was writing it down.

I also realized that I'm over 200 pounds and I calculated that I eat anywhere between 2500-3500 calories a day which is insane. Just seeing those numbers is like WOAH.

"Well, well, well/if it isnt the feelings/I've been trying to avoid"~Unknown/meme

"figure out your patterns/crack your code/forgive yourself/again & again & again"~Randi Gloss

12:02 pm - Friday, Jun. 14, 2019

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Therapy Vol.1

My mom ran into my aunt on my father's side and gave her my FB info. No biggie since I'm trying to be more adventurous around strangers and figure she just wanted to be FB friends. She sends me a message and wanted to chat but I'm awkward as fuck so my answers came off hella short. At one point I said nice to meet you, trying to be pleasant. She was all like, I already met you when you was a little girl and that made me cringe. Like I did something wrong. I'm just so bad at this. She gave me her number and I saved it but I didnt respond or give her my number which I'm sure is what I'm supposed to do. But the thought of her calling me and us trying to talk makes me exhausted as fuck. I just cant. I however accepted her friend request so she can poke around my page and be nosey that way.

I worked out this morning. Four days in a row, I'm excited. I'm hopeful enough to get through the whole week and have the weekend off. Then I'll be thrilled. I've also been keeping my calories count at 1600 which also has me fucking excited. Just one day at a time which will turn into new habits. I'm hopeful. I'm also aware of my emotional eating and acknowledging that it exists. To help me work through it I found some journal prompts.

Is my current pattern of eating bringing me closer-to or farther-from my goals?

I'm trying a new eating pattern by eating after 12pm and stopping by 6pm. I dont want to snack late into the night because it becomes mindless eating. I dont taste it really and I usually regret it. Even now thinking about it makes me really sad. I hate binge eating.

How I usually eats brings me farther from my goals. I want to be a healthy weight. I do not want to continue to be obese. I feel like I've been fat my entire life and because of that I've missed out. I've always been the fat friend. The fat daughter. The fat sister. Being fat doesnt bring me joy. I feel I dont live or truly experience life because I'll use it as an excuse. Like, dont put yourself out there. Dont dress like that. Dont do that. Dont make eye contact. You're fat, you dont deserve those things. So I stay back. I stifle myself. I stay in the corner or in the background because I'm fat. I am the flower that doesnt bloom. I'm too fat to enjoy life.

I had to step away for a bit but re-reading it makes me incredibly sad. My eyes burn and chest tight type of sad. Damn.

But as I was saying my eating habits have brought me further from all goals. I'm not living life and instead I'm trapped in this body. I want out. I dont want to be stuck anymore. This is why it's important for me to stick to new eating pattern.

Why am I feeling anxious?

I'm scared to fail. What if I cant find a job? What if I stay miserable? What if 5 years from now my life is EXACTLY the same? What if I'm not destined for greatness? What if my life is a complete waste? What if I never unstick myself?

My stomach is literally in knots and my chest fucking hurts. I have so much anxiety and fear that this move was a waste of time. That it wasnt the environment or situation or job market or whatever, but me. ONLY me. That scares me. That I failed because I suck.

"The bravest thing/she ever did/was to stay alive each day"~Atticus

"feel what you need/to feel and then let/it go. do not let it/consume you"~Dhiman

10:26 am - Thursday, Jun. 13, 2019

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Past Fuck Ups - Future Lessons