Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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Moving Forward

I'm an emotional basket case but that seems to be nothing new. I'm semi functional. Yay me.

I'm turning 30 at the end of this month and this not at all how I pictured it but I'm learning that it's okay. I live in a new state so I really want to get my shit together and really live and experience new things. I want friends and honestly it would be kind of nice to date.

I feel stuck and trapped. My anxiety makes me nervous to do anything. I actually feel that my social anxiety has gotten worse. I have really low self esteem. I am also an emotional eater. I've been overweight my entire life and everytime I've lost weight, I've gained it. I want to work on my underlying issues. I know I cant do everything and will eventually need a therapist but I cant sit here and magically wait for my problems to resolve. I have to do some of this heavy lifting.

"You've got to live beyond your brokenness"
~Iyanla Vanzant

"Stop doing. Start being. It begins with a single thought and a simple statement- I AM"
~ Iyanla Vanzant

2:09 pm - Wednesday, Jun. 12, 2019

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#NerdyThirty Goals

I need a job. My social anxiety seems to have gotten worse. My stomach has been in knots the last few days at the thought of leaving the house. Imma push through it though.

I wrote out some goals for my #NerdyThirty year. They are:

1) Get a job. [Duh.]
2) Steady fitness routine. [Im on the wagon. Off the wagon. On. Off. I discovered I need a routine. It makes my head happy]
3) Eat better. [I need too. Im trying to go veggie/vegan. I dont really like meat so I have no problems giving it up. I want a clean fresh diet]
4) Lose 40 pounds. [I lost 25. Then gained 30 when I went off the deep end and got all depressed. I need to get rid of this extra weight. My clothes dont fit right and I'm always feeling bloated]
5) Pay off credit cards. [Had no job for like a year so I leaned on them heavily which is crappy since my credit score was looking all shiny and shit before the mishap]
6) Read 1 book a month. [I used to read all the time. Lately I've been glued to the tv or my phone. I want to engage my brain again. I feel a difference even in my attention span like it's harder to focus]
7) Fix my handwriting. [Its been slightly trashy lately. It got weird when I was home schooling my younger brother because printing letters for him to copy was different than how I normally write so now its this weird mixture of flow and letters]
8) Get back into painting or clay or pick up drawing. [I used to be really creative and it made me happy. I honestly miss it]
9) Finish getting room together. [Im still sleeping in a hammock. No longer in a basement though which is super nice. I dont really mind the hammock and find it comfortable but I want a true room with a bed and a headboard and actual room shit to prove to myself that I'm pulling this ish together and have a better frame of mind]
10) Take vacation in Puerto Rico this year. [Ive never been. I really want to travel. I think I'll like it so PR seems like a great first travel experience]
11) Crochet an awesome blanket. [I made one last year and it wasnt the best. I have a cool idea for this one]
12) Crochet awesome chunky scarf. [I want to expand beyond blankets and basically just become better overall]
13) Get passport. [For more travels]
14) Get luggage. [Some cute grown ish]
15) Second set of piercings on ear lobe. [Random but I've always wanted it done]
16) Visit at least 3 new states. [Dont care where but I did list some for ideas]
17) Go to New Mexico for hot air balloons.
18) Go to Mardi Grais 2020.
19) Go to Arizona for Grand Canyon.
20) Make a friend.

I have the list posted on my wall to keep reminding m to live life and try to be happy. I know I wont be able to completely shake the anxiety and depression but I'm hopeful to work through it and not let it handicap me.

12:19 pm - Monday, Jun. 10, 2019

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Hi, My Name Is Phayth...*dies on the inside* (TX)

Moved to new house 2 weeks ago and was outside cleaning up yard with mom. Friendly Neighbor Couple comes over to introduce themselves and to bring over a hand rake thing to help since they saw us scooping leaves with hands. Normally this would be considered a friendly gesture.

To me I start panicking on the inside because do I grab hand rake thing when offered? Do I set it down while we chat? How long am I supposed to chat? Do I hold it while we chat? Will I hold it weird? How long am I seriously supposed to chat? Can I decline rake hand thing? I know it has to be returned and it sucks that I'm being imposed upon now but it's going to get worse if I have to walk across the street, knock on the door and then small talk to give it back.

Oh, God. I feel my stomach turning over.

Thankfully my mom takes it and is chatting with them. The neighbor couple and my mom talk for, like, eternity and I stand smiling awkwardly and trying to force a chuckle here and there all while wondering why the *fuck* are we still chatting. Cant they see we're doing yard work?

Then Friendly Neighbor Lady noticed we are using paper waste bags and she thinks she has extra so she runs off. Mom is still chatting with Friendly Neighbor Guy. Friendly Neighbor Lady comes back with bags, mom has hands full with hand rake thing so of course I take bags. I hold them. Then hug them. Then hold hug them. I use one hand. Then two. I hold them close to my body. Down the front. Towards the side. On my hip. Why the fuck am I still obsessing about these bags? Stop being so weird. WHY. ARE. WE. STILL. TALKING?

Then Friendly Neighbor Lady wants to know more about me and my mom starts to answer and then she goes oh I dont want to put words in her mouth. There is a 30 second pause where I finally realize they want ME to speak. Well, fuck. What do I say? I never know what to say when people ask me to talk about myself. What is the acceptable answer? I dont know if I have hobbies, eat food or even listen to music because you put me on the spot. I'll send a written response in 2 weeks after I overanalyze it. Damn.

I awkwardly and softly say a few short answers. My mom takes over since shes used to me being quiet and standoffish around new people. She doesnt understand it and probably thought I'd outgrow it but now resigns to the fact I'll always be weird around strangers. Friendly Neighbor Couple chat more for a bit and then finally leave.

We finished yard work and I'm now face planted on the bed because unexpected socializing is exhausting.

08:57 pm - Saturday, Jun. 8, 2019

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