Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** Moving Forward I'm an emotional basket case but that seems to be nothing new. I'm semi functional. Yay me. I'm turning 30 at the end of this month and this not at all how I pictured it but I'm learning that it's okay. I live in a new state so I really want to get my shit together and really live and experience new things. I want friends and honestly it would be kind of nice to date. I feel stuck and trapped. My anxiety makes me nervous to do anything. I actually feel that my social anxiety has gotten worse. I have really low self esteem. I am also an emotional eater. I've been overweight my entire life and everytime I've lost weight, I've gained it. I want to work on my underlying issues. I know I cant do everything and will eventually need a therapist but I cant sit here and magically wait for my problems to resolve. I have to do some of this heavy lifting. "You've got to live beyond your brokenness" "Stop doing. Start being. It begins with a single thought and a simple statement- I AM" 2:09 pm - Wednesday, Jun. 12, 2019 *********************************************************************************** #NerdyThirty Goals I need a job. My social anxiety seems to have gotten worse. My stomach has been in knots the last few days at the thought of leaving the house. Imma push through it though. I wrote out some goals for my #NerdyThirty year. They are: 1) Get a job. [Duh.] I have the list posted on my wall to keep reminding m to live life and try to be happy. I know I wont be able to completely shake the anxiety and depression but I'm hopeful to work through it and not let it handicap me. 12:19 pm - Monday, Jun. 10, 2019 *********************************************************************************** Hi, My Name Is Phayth...*dies on the inside* (TX) Moved to new house 2 weeks ago and was outside cleaning up yard with mom. Friendly Neighbor Couple comes over to introduce themselves and to bring over a hand rake thing to help since they saw us scooping leaves with hands. Normally this would be considered a friendly gesture. To me I start panicking on the inside because do I grab hand rake thing when offered? Do I set it down while we chat? How long am I supposed to chat? Do I hold it while we chat? Will I hold it weird? How long am I seriously supposed to chat? Can I decline rake hand thing? I know it has to be returned and it sucks that I'm being imposed upon now but it's going to get worse if I have to walk across the street, knock on the door and then small talk to give it back. Oh, God. I feel my stomach turning over. Thankfully my mom takes it and is chatting with them. The neighbor couple and my mom talk for, like, eternity and I stand smiling awkwardly and trying to force a chuckle here and there all while wondering why the *fuck* are we still chatting. Cant they see we're doing yard work? Then Friendly Neighbor Lady noticed we are using paper waste bags and she thinks she has extra so she runs off. Mom is still chatting with Friendly Neighbor Guy. Friendly Neighbor Lady comes back with bags, mom has hands full with hand rake thing so of course I take bags. I hold them. Then hug them. Then hold hug them. I use one hand. Then two. I hold them close to my body. Down the front. Towards the side. On my hip. Why the fuck am I still obsessing about these bags? Stop being so weird. WHY. ARE. WE. STILL. TALKING? Then Friendly Neighbor Lady wants to know more about me and my mom starts to answer and then she goes oh I dont want to put words in her mouth. There is a 30 second pause where I finally realize they want ME to speak. Well, fuck. What do I say? I never know what to say when people ask me to talk about myself. What is the acceptable answer? I dont know if I have hobbies, eat food or even listen to music because you put me on the spot. I'll send a written response in 2 weeks after I overanalyze it. Damn. I awkwardly and softly say a few short answers. My mom takes over since shes used to me being quiet and standoffish around new people. She doesnt understand it and probably thought I'd outgrow it but now resigns to the fact I'll always be weird around strangers. Friendly Neighbor Couple chat more for a bit and then finally leave. We finished yard work and I'm now face planted on the bed because unexpected socializing is exhausting. 08:57 pm - Saturday, Jun. 8, 2019 *********************************************************************************** |
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