Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** This Week In June
This probably wouldnt happen as often if I would utilize this thing. Just some days the thought of grabbing the computer, logging on, and dumping my basketcase-ness into the little white box seems fucking exhausting. JUNE 23. Eye doctor appt. To be perfectly frank I dont like the eye glass place because they seem overwhelmed and have a habit of being rude. I dont understand why you are snapping at my ass when YOU told me over the phone a week ago that my time/date was fucking available. Just saying. I needed new glasses. Turns out I am not as blind as I thought. I am fucking blind basically but as long as I wear my glasses Ill be fine. The doc said I could drive as long as I wear my glasses. No prob since everything that is like 3 feet from my face starts getting fuzzy around the edges. Also I have allergies. Which doesnt surprise me because I know I have allergies. I just didnt know I had allergies in my eyes. This past year Ive been experiencing random irritation/burning along with my eye watering. It rarely is both eyes at the same time but one and then the day later the other. Itll happen for a few days and go away. It randomly comes. At work. In the car. At home (sometimes). Fucking allergies. I have to take allergy eye drops (along with my otc pill) and he said within 2 weeks I should have it knocked out and go back to being normal. Hooray. My new glasses are amazeballs. Thick, black, square frames. My inner nerd is all the way out and I am loving it. JUNE 24. I graduated officially from my school with a bachelor's in psychology. Woot woot!! Since it was online and I didnt walk my diploma is going to be mailed to me and I cant wait. Also this is the day I went to MI with my mom because my sisters house burnt down (shes fine). I originally wasnt going to go because I had a dental appt and I had work on SAT (27th) but I felt bad cause then it would have been my mom with Bub (8) only and that kinda sucks. Plus she pulled up in a Chevy Spark, red and I thought the car was super cute. JUNE 25. In Detroit staying at Southern Charms (moms friend/Bub's dad) house. Saw my sister. I have not seen my sister in 2 years. I have treated my sister like some random crack head I guess. She stopped being real to me. She was just this random person that constantly texted me for 20$ so she could score a hit of xanax. But she stopped being real and she was easy to ignore. Seeing her made me feel weird. And sad. Shes got scars on her left arm from where she was cutting herself. She lives in the projects. She is super quiet giving off the vibe of a kicked puppy. Hearing her talk made me realize this girl is kind of slow. Those with mental illness are more likely to abuse drugs. Her whole vibe and how she was made me reflect on her behavior in the past. She was lashing out and she needs help. And I treated her like less than for those 2 years. Mom actually cried when she saw her apartment. She was just so upset. Though we all knew cause part of it was her being a bad parent. Our mother likes to long distance parent. Our mother probably wished she didnt have kids. Our mother is crazy as fuck. And when she feels like it she can be the meanest bitch. We went shopping and hung out and helped clean her apartment. Seven (??? 13. Brother) spent the night and our mom, bub and I went back to Detroit. JUNE 26. Grabbed Seven and Thirteen (the sister. 19) and got something to eat and more shopping. Mom also decided to argue with Thirteen's PO to try and get her off. Whole nother story. PO of course doesnt want Thirteen off. In that town they make their money off those on probation for the stupidest shit. Half the town has a PO I swear. Thirteen had to stay behind. Everyone cried. On our way back our mother ended up lost in Illinois. She started freaking the fuck out. She want I 94 W and we somehow got off the wrong exit. So in her normal fashion when she is anxious she starts cussing everyone out and starts acting all high strung and everyone gets insulted. I pulled out my phone. I used this map app but it doesnt talk. I typed in I 94 W and it gave me directions like mapquest. Only interactive and it showed us as a moving blue dot. I GAVE HER FOUR DIFFERENT FUCKING WAYS TO GET BACK ON I 94 W. SHE REFUSED THEM ALL. In fact she became SUCH a bitch. I told myself not to cry and to stay calm because mom is fucking high strung. I kept my composure for as long as I could. She wouldnt listen. Like the 3rd time had us on a route 14 minutes from I94W. She actually stopped at a gas station halfway through because she didnt like my map app. Got out. Slammed door. Went inside. Walked out. Had her phone which kept trying to take her to 294. And then stopped listening to me. She went THE OPPOSITE WAY. This whole time she was fucking calling me all sorts of names and how I was basically this fucking deadbeat and how she can only count on herself because I was useless. She drove around and my phone kept refreshing trying to get us to I94W. At one point WE WERE EIGHT MINUTES AWAY and I tried one last time to get her where she needed to be. Me: In 3.4 miles we need to turn right... Mom: SHUT up! Just stop talking to me. I lost it. I started to cry. I hunched over as far away as from her as possible and I tried to keep the crying quiet cause I knew it would only anger her more. It took us 2 hours to get home. She rerouted herself. Travelled all through Illinois I swear. And the first 45 minutes I had to listen to her screaming and cussing at me. At one point I got mad and I said I HAD you FOUR different times! And she got mad hysterical. The longest ride ever. I was so offended because I TRIED to help and she hurt my feelings. She kept insisting I was WRONG and that I didnt help her and that I COULD have helped her but that I basically refused. We stopped talking. When I got home I actually googled the directions. I couldnt remember all 4 but I found 2 out of 4 and I WAS RIGHT. Bitch. She was so manic. I damn near had a breakdown myself. I couldnt figure out if I wanted a cigarette or to slit my fucking wrist. I just cried myself to sleep. JUNE 27. The day before my birthday. I didnt want to fight and I didnt know how to make this shit better. We ignored each other for the morning. I decided to be the bigger person and was like I dont want to fight. She apologized for being insane. I tried to explain that I HAD her and she brushed me off. Even my brothers didnt believe me. Eleven (18) was like mom if I was there this would have NEVER happened and basically made digs at me. Go fuck yourself. This is why my family is not good for me I swear. JUNE 28. My birthday. Turned 26. Went shopping with mom and had lunch. Super chill. Rented the movie DUFF. And that was it. Boomerang came over and him and our mom retired to her bedroom for the rest of the day. He ignored me. Made a point to say hi to everyone else. Whatevs man. Didnt need your bday wishes anyway. I took a nap. But I did find it amusing. JUNE 29. Mom decided to go to a therapist. This person told her the Boomerang is toxic for her. That it wasnt a relationship but it was basically something fucked up built out of loneliness. Duh, bitch.
8:44 pm - Tuesday, Jun. 30, 2015 *********************************************************************************** |
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