Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** Firm Boundaries. Feeling Sorta Kinda I Could Be Happy Again.(WI)
I feel that my mental/emotional boundaries are working. Hell when mom got back with Boomerang the other day I didn't feel annoyed or upset like I usually do. I felt relief. Like, yes please take the crazy lady off my hands for awhile. We're part of a tag team...he just doesnt realize it. But I feel good. I feel sane. I feel emotionally put together. Im not all the way together but it is a fantastic start. I still feel as if Im drowning under wet cement but maybe instead of throwing myself off a bridge I can slowly chisel myself out. Im starting to realize it is my family. I mean I knew it, but I truly feel it. By setting up emotional boundaries they no longer have the power to suck me in. I am incredibly emotional and super sensitive to others moods and emotions. Its what drew me into psychology. I like helping people and Im pretty great at sensing moods. I dont always feel that I give the best advice but I still feel socially awkward and insecure within myself so I think that definitely colors how I view myself and my value. This dread, the tight feeling that I deal with comes from my family. My mother alone is an anxiety ridden emotional roller coaster crazy person. Her moods (and everyone elses) feeds into my moods. By placing firm boundaries I just dont feel so fucking nuts. I can truly be happy again. Not tomorrow, but one day. Its an amazing feeling of possibilities. 6:29 pm - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2016 *********************************************************************************** Blah Blah. Cut my finger. Fixed the sink. My mother broke up with her boyfriend. Again. (WI)
The next day the sink people were supposed to come out and fix it. Boomerang told mom that he got her and he'll take care of it. The sink people called my mom and told her the type of faucet they would need for her to buy. I decided I was going to have a good day. I hung out with Bub (9). We read the BFG, watched Happy Feet and played basketball at the park. He was teaching me how to dribble and shoot. Hes got good aim/a good arm. He made waaaay more shoots than I did. I suck. Hah. We walk back home and mom is there with Eleven (19) under the sink. Apparently Boomerangs people needed payment. Mom assumed when he said he would take care of it she figured he would pay for it. She thought he would hook this up. All he did was call the people to come over. I could have told her that he wasnt going to pay for shit. Hes not that type of boyfriend. But when she was talking about him I kept silent. Im still being firm about boundaries. I commented on the sink dudes behavior but I ignored all comments about Boomerang. So Eleven had to go to work so it was me under the sink. The joys. Boomerang called and him and her got into a cussing match. She hung up on him. Then she helped me with the sink. A bolt had rusted so we ended up taking the entire sink out. Flipped it over. Sprayed WD40 (thanks Google!) on the bolt. Waited a few moments. Wiped it off. And wrenched the little bolt free. Popped out old faucet. Flipped sink back in hole. Installed new faucet. I damn near cut off the tip of my middle finger but we have a brand new faucet. Yay. Mom was all like never doubt a single parent and her children. Like we can do anything rah rah. She was like I could never have done this journey without you. I did like a shrug smile and kept it moving. The next few days she became like my BFF again. This time though I recognized that her and Boomerang were broken up so Im like a fucking filler. I can be nice and all that but I havent given up on my boundaries. The only time I broke was a couple days ago. She just starts sobbing in the chair and looking all pitiful. I feel bad for her. She was wondering if there was something wrong with her cause she sees everyone else in a relationship but shes not in one. I told her she makes stupid choices cause shes lonely and it sucks but there is her person out there for her. I truly meant it. I want her to be happy and pulled together. Everyone deserves to find their person. Things with me have been okay. I just did my hair again. I tried mini twists. At first my family was like noooo dont do your own hair. But I decided I was going to do things that make me happy. Fuck em all. In the end my mom likes them way more than I do. I think my thing is they arent quite like the google picture but theyre pretty damn good for my first time. They took fucking forever and I have over 100 of em in. I like having boundaries. I feel healthier mentally. My family at first didnt know what to do and accused me of being moody. Which didnt bother me. Its like Im me but different. I want to do things. I want to travel. I would love to island hop for a month (or a summer). I want to become a better baker. I want to help people in some way. I want to be happy. Fuck all this misery shit. I want to live life and find my zen. 11:05 am - Thursday, Aug. 11, 2016 *********************************************************************************** Im Exhausted By HER (WI) There has been a slight cold war within the household. Mom got back with Boomerang/FuckBoy so shes been acting like a teenage girl who is rebelling against her parents. They went to Chicago on Sunday. She told me they were going for breakfast and then didn’t come back until 630 ish that evening. No big deal. I was slightly irritated that she didn’t say anything to any of us. Seventeen (24) said our mother acts like a teenager and he feels she became emotionally stunted at 16. The boys all asked where she was but for the most part didn’t really fuss. Honestly I didn’t mind either because she is an adult who can leave the house I just find it annoying when she KNOWS she made all these plans but doesn’t SHARE them with us. We don’t care that she leaves we would just like to be clued in. Hell what if something happened and we didn’t know? What if she was supposed to come home at noon but never did? It takes 2 seconds to text someone. Jeepers. Seventeen said he figures there will come a day when she doesn’t come back. He says he gets surprised when she does. We agreed she really shouldn’t have had any of us and if she could ship us all somewhere she would have a little apartment and a two seater car. She comes home. Barely says anything to me. In fact when she finally sends a text message its to Seventeen. Im annoyed but not surprised. Im supposed to be there to pick up the pieces when Boomerang isn’t there but she becomes uncomfortable/hostile towards me when shes back with him. Since she does this it makes it hard to even be friendly towards him cause she doesn’t want me near him. The shitty things about him she tells me makes me think there are shitty things about me she tells him. One time she told me that Boomerang thought I was too mean and bitchy to be a therapist. This is why they get on my fucking nerves and I want boundaries. So we were supposed to be running, well practicing. There is this color run she wants to do and its only 5K. We’ve never ran before and I don’t want us in last place. We haven’t been following the schedule though cause Ive been sick. We were supposed to go out that night but she blew me off. Said she was tired (It was because Boomerang was coming back over). I go anyway. I have acute bronchitis (self-diagnosis) and I had issues WALKING UP HILL. I wanted to hack but figured choking on phlegm in public is disgusting so I was breathing shallowly until I could go home and deal with it. Figured at this time me trying to do a 5K is not gonna happen. I read the whole coughing/phlegm mess can last from 10 to 20 days and eventually it goes away on its own. So me not being able to fucking breathe for a month means Im not running my ass nowhere. I let her know that night that I wasn’t doing the color run. I know Eleven (19) still wants to do it but Im done. She got so mad at me. She blamed it on basically me hating on her for getting with Boomerang. Im thinking this bitch KNOWS Im sick.Then she said I was extremely moody and unfair and I was exhausted at the thought of trying to explain myself. I didn’t. She stopped talking to me. We didn’t talk on Monday. I had a paper to write so I wasn’t bothered. Today I figured we should end this whole stupid feud. I deserve boundaries. There is NOTHING wrong with me NOT wanting to get involved in her fucking mess with Boomerang. I have not been rude but Ive made it clear I will not discuss them anymore. She brings him up and I go silent. I am being firm and in my firmness Im being made to feel guilty. So I texted her told her I was doing dinner blah blah. She was short with me but that was okay. When she got home she barely spoke to me. But I was Team Good Vibes. She had a meeting with her surgeon. When she got home me Seventeen and mom had a conversation. She has surgery in September because August is booked. It isn’t cancer right now but they feel its pre cancer. They’ll use a robot thingy and pull her uterus out. She goes super early in the morning and depending how she feels she may be able to come home that night. She’ll be out of work for 2 weeks. We made jokes. We discussed. We bonded. I thought things were on the up. Boomerang comes over. They hole up in her room. I did dishes, cleaned up. Something of a freak accident lead this big ass popcorn bowl to fall out of the counter dish drainer thingy and it knocks off the handle to the sink. I tried to put the handle back on but it was wedged. I tried to unwedge it and it became stuck in “on” mode with warm water rushing out the faucet. I go to get mom. I knock on their door (it was half open) and all I said was “so” and she looked DISGUSTED to see me. She was hugged up to Boomerang and it was like she was pissed that I exposed her to my presence. I stopped looking at her and stared at the wall while I explained the kitchen sink. I turned and walked away. They both came into the kitchen and wouldn’t even acknowledge me. I stood awkwardly for a few moments and went to my room. And cried. She hurt my feelings. I didn’t deserve that ugly look. I don’t deserve her being mad at me for something I didn’t fucking do. I don’t have a family. My paper was about Bessie Smith this blues singer from the early 1900s (the bio is by Chris Albertson and its awesome. I fucking hate bios cause theyre dry as shit but he did a really really good job) and she really wanted a family. Family meant everything to her. But the family she had treated her like shit. They were abusive but when she made it she gave them money and made them comfortable. She kept waiting I think for them to meet her emotional needs. I feel like her. I keep trying. I keep getting sucked into the bullshit. I keep brushing off the wrongs to try to make the situation right. I keep waiting to matter. To have my emotional needs met. Im just so fucking exhausted though. 9:30 pm - Tuesday, Aug. 02, 2016 *********************************************************************************** FuckBoy and the Movies (WI)
Mom: So I'm going to the movies tonight. ------------- ---------------- I dont understand what you want from me. Acknowledgment that you are back together with the guy you referred to as FuckBoy? Gratitude that you hooked back up with FuckBoy? The same FuckBoy that you swore you would never get back with (even though we knew it was a damn lie)? The FuckBoy that you blocked from your phone? The FuckBoy that you tried to get Seventeen (24) involved? Seventeen, your son, who basically told you to handle your own business and man up. The FuckBoy who had you going through a swirling void of emotions even though yall broke up like 387 times in the damn near 6 years youve been together? The FuckBoy that had you weeping and in your emotions in PUBLIC? I couldnt even take your ass to Target without you going through a crazy ass range of emotions for the 2 weeks yall broke up. Where you would have epiphanies of realizing that the FuckBoy didnt want anything to do with you. How the FuckBoy would never be there for you when you were down. How the FuckBoy couldnt accept you for you. How the FuckBoy was practically useless and didnt truly know how to be your man. Then while STILL in a store (honestly ANY store. Target. Walmart. Hobby Lobby. Meijer. JoAnn Fabrics. Goodwill. The fucking dry cleaners.) you would start getting weepy about how he fucked you over. How the FuckBoy sucked you so far in that you got lost and became a bad mother. How the FuckBoy made you put your kids on the back burner for 5/6 years. Then you would quickly cycle to anger especially at some semi rude fellow shopper who would crowd your space to look at/pick up/buy the curtain/picture/rug/head of lettuce that you had been weeping into. Then you lash out at them passive aggressively about how fucking manner-less the people of WI are and how you JUST cant wait to move while I cringe in semi embarrassment. THAT FuckBoy? The one where he only likes to be seen with you in dark places? Nah. Let me not say anything. Let me bite my tongue and wade through the fucking exhausting crazy. My time is coming soon. Mom: *Yawns* Im so tired and I think we're doing a double movie. Im not sure how Im going to make it through. I think I need a nap.
8:14 pm - Friday, Jul. 29, 2016 *********************************************************************************** Blah blah. Exhausted. Blah blah. Anxiety. Blah blah.
I'm not sure whats wrong with me. It started last week when I felt like I couldnt really breath and my chest felt heavy and my throat swollen. Grabbed my brother's old inhaler that's filled with Qvar and took 4 puffs back to back. Chest opened up a little bit and hacked phlegm. Now a week later I have a runny/plugged nose and headaches. Plus my chest still has shit in it that I'm hacking up. I feel like I cant get a nice deep breath and sleeping is no longer fun and easy. I will be eternally grateful when this shit goes away and I'm healthy again. My mom might have cancer. The big "C" word. Scary. She had surgery last Oct to scrape the lining of her uterus off cause there were fibroids and masses of tissues. It was causing her to bleed a lot. Like her periods were long and heavy. She gets scooped as we call it and all was well for a little bit. Then the periods became long and heavy again. Her doctor said the tissue came back and its actually thicker now. He says hes only seen this in 2 other women in his entire career. And in both cases I guess it was bad news. So he said even though she comes in for a biopsy every 6 months he wants an MRI to really look into it because he fears the biopsy might have missed something. She had the MRI the other day and we have to wait for results of that and the biopsy. It only be a few days until we find out but it feels soooooooooo long. Its anxiety inducing. Dont these freaking people know that?? Either way my mom is going to need to have a hysterectomy. If it is cancer then she will have the surgery sooner than later and will need chemo. If it is not cancer (AndISwearToGodItBetterNotBe) then there is no chemo and she can push the surgery off a little bit. She was planning on Sept/Oct if not cancer and end of July/ early Aug if it is. I also had to get real with myself which sometimes is scary. There is something wrong with me, mentally. I wouldnt exactly say depressed but kind of. Im a psych major so I should know but Im not interested in the abnormal or psychiatric part of psychology so I dont know. But Im going through the motions. Planning for the future gives me anxiety. Making a vision board gives me anxiety. I dont have a clear vision at all. I honestly have no idea what I want to be when I finally begin adulting. Im in school but I cant see too far in front of me. I just put one foot in front of the other and I give myself pep talks to get up in the morning and do stuff. I think my family assumes Im happy and Im not. And it makes it hard to express myself or say anything. If Im not happy its like I make them uncomfortable. But the mask is uncomfortable and exhausting. I know how I would kill myself and I thought about saying something but I dont want them to know cause then theyll stop me. Its not like Ill do it tomorrow. Its more like my fail safe. I dont feel actively suicidal or depressed but it weighs on me just the same. Its like I get overwhelmed or something but at the same time I find it comforting that I have a way out. I dont know. I just finally realized these feelings have been with me for years and they wont go away by themselves. It's a part of me and Im not sure how to get from underneath but I feel slightly better for acknowledging it. Almost like if I named it it would get me but it wont. 11:43 am - Saturday, Jul. 23, 2016 *********************************************************************************** |
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