Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** Therapy Vol.5 Still feel good. Haven't completely gone off the rails which is nice. I even had a moment where I almost knocked off my car mirror by backing out of the garage. I self corrected and didnt knock the mirror but I was on the grass a bit and I ran over the curb. I got flustered. I always assume everyone is watching me and talking about me which makes me embarrassed as if someone out there is keeping tabs on every mistake I've made. I was emotionally beating myself up all the way to the store but I didnt eat my feelings. That right there is huge. I'm still trying to forgive myself and let moments like that go. It's hard because my social anxiety makes me replay this bullshit over and over again. So it wont happen overnight but at least I'm not turning to food to self soothe. When I look into the mirror what do I see? I fucking hate myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate what I look like. I hate taking pictures. In my head I see myself differently. I'll feel super cute and then look in the mirror and feel super deflated. My face is fat. I've got a beer gut (I dont even drink beer cause its gross). My posture sucks. I feel like an apple on toothpicks. I'm an upside down triangle. All broad shoulders but no hips or ass. But fat. A fat upside down triangle. I look awful. I hate mirrors. They show me shit I dont want to see. I have low self esteem as it is. I truly hate myself. This is why I wouldn't mind if i die. "the way you speak of yourself/the way you degrade yourself/into smallness/is abuse"~rupi kaur "healing begins/the moment/you accept the hurt"~Sonia Motwani 9:18 am - Wednesday, Jun. 19, 2019 *********************************************************************************** Therapy Vol.4 I'm really happy about myself making breakthroughs and generally feeling better about myself. My self control feels better. I usually do better when I skip breakfast but mom likes to make breakfast. I didnt eat it right away, delayed it a bit, skipped lunch, had dinner and was able to stay on track. I had a brownie which pushed me over by 200 which wasnt that bad. I wanted a 2nd brownie but realized it would push me too far over. Old me wouldve shrugged and been like fuck it but new me said nope, not today. That brownie was good but not that damn good and itll be waiting for me tomorrow. I'm so fucking proud! My aunt has been texting me and I've sort of been having a conversation with her which is huge for me. My social awkwardness didnt go away and everytime my phone chimes I cringe, but I am putting forth effort which is awesome. Overall I feel really good like this is all possible. Describe what you believe you would be like if you didnt have anxiety or depression If I was a regular person without all this anxiety and depressive tendencies I would be a completely different person. I feel like I would be more outgoing. There seems to be a friendly person tucked in me that peeks out here and there. If I was different this friendly, bubbly, charming adventurous person would come out and be out all the time. I want to be her. I would put myself out there. I would meet new people and I wouldnt be so fucking awkward. I feel like I would dress differently. Be more fashionable. Okay with the thought of drawing attention to myself instead of always trying to blend in, hide, shrink myself. I would get a cute little convertible. A different job. I see jobs all the time where I think oh! I could do that but the thought of applying and actually doing that makes me flustered. I would have a different degree or already be in grad school working on my ph.d. I would confident, fearless and happy. I really wish I was her. When I eat "junk food" I feel... I'm not sure. I feel good but also bad. Sometimes I'll have intense cravings where my brain is blinking bright red letters of some snack I feel desperate to have. I think itll make me feel good. It will satisfy this need I have. Itll make me happy. Until I eat it. Then it doesnt work. Sometimes this will lead me to binge. To shove more of whatever I'm craving into my mouth because I think it's a quantity issue and I'll feel good once I eat a magic number. That never works. I'll eat the one (or many) and feel sad afterwards. Full of regret. Kicking myself like why did I do this? Why do I keep falling for it? It never works. "Keep holding the vision of your future self & she will appear"~Spirit Daughter "When you're in a dark place/you sometimes tend to think you've been/buried/perhaps you've been planted/bloom"~Unknown 9:27 am - Tuesday, Jun. 18, 2019 *********************************************************************************** |
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