Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** So I Talked To My Mom
Me: Why bother? Just ask [my brother] since ur tlkin to him�I fuckin hate him�he choked me last night�and all this other bullshit�hes dead to me. (10:04pm 7/12) Me: I hate this whole fuckin family�hes out there tlkin mad shit like im in the wrong and being dramatic�like he does no wrong�and him and gma are out there fuckin drinkin beer and laughin and shit�like I dnt matter or some shit. Fuck everybody. (10:09pm 7/12) Mom: He told me not worry about it. He choked u?! What the f is going on?! (Originally sent at 10:07 phone didn�t give it to me til 10:54pm 7/12) Me: I just now got ur message �yeah he choked me�and dumped food on me today�I give up�I just fuckin give up. (10:55pm 7/12) Mom: Hey u�I was sleeping when u sent the text the other night. If u feel like coming over, that�s fine. Ill scrape up the money to get u back. Don�t worry. (8:36am 7/14) Me: �.its fine about me�ill just wait�no point blowing money u dnt have on me�ill be fine� (12:12pm 7/14)
But I did feel better talking to her later on yes'day. These are those messages:
Me: "I wish we were normal. At times I feel so tainted." I totally agree. Mom: Gma never texted me back...not even to say thanks, but no. Me: I just asked...she says she has to work... Mom: Well, thanks for asking. Not sure y she never even acknowledged the text. Oh, well.....u can still come if you want Me: Idk...its gma...theyre all weird...thanks for the invite but I cnt...u need to get ur car in order...and u just moved...and I cnt pay for myself....im takin online classes again this semester....so when i get some money ill just stay out there for a mnth or so like last time...the train is no longer scary! :) Mom: Awww...look at u, growing up! Im so proud of ur leaps and bounds. Ok, well, I'll look for u in the fall. Me: Awww thanks :) I figured if u could do all that u do with only Jesus and a can of coke to guide u thru...then i can be grown up too :) Mom: Ur so sweet! Awww...u make me so proud. Yep, thats pretty much it phayth. But look at us, we're still standing! Ull get there. No worries. And please dont let [ur brother] or gma or anyone discourage u. It gets hard but the place ur in, isnt a forever place. U can change the course of ur path. Ur doing well...keep going! Me: Thanks! I know it isnt forever...i just got so pissed and it put me in a funk...but i really wanna get my life on track...and thats what imma do...u fought for it so im doin the same...i just need to learn how to brush things off better... Mom: Im still not good at brushing things off. I still get my feelings hurt which leads to doubt. But i've learned to shut myself away, thus shutting off the noise in the world. U have to believe in ur worth phayth. U have to know theres better. Then, u have to reach for it. Im here, cheering for u. Mom: Even if people tell u u cant, u have to know deep down, that u can. Then it takes a bit of guts (audacity) to reach out and try. A can of coke and prayer helps too! Lol� Me: Lol...it does...im proud of u...seriously...6 kids and u always kept a clean house...and uve never done drugs ...if i was in ur shoes id be a damn drunk! And im glad ur proud of me...i try :) And i heart how we're each others cheerleader...i feel like we're the lil trains that could...we just keep a chuggin... Mom: Absolutely, we do! And we�re each others biggest fans because we�re what the other hopes for. I see such a pureness in u. I hope it never goes away. I screwed u up and it makes me sad that the little kids r growing up in this life but u weren�t able. But I believe in u and I know ur worth and potential. Mom: U have the ability to step out and reach for more. All u have to do is dare want it for urself. It is a bit scary but the reward is amazing! I want that for u. Mom: I thought of u the other day and want u to know im so proud of u. U may not see ur progress but ur almost done with an associates. U stuck it out and didn�t quit. Mom: Ur 22 with no kids. Ur a good girl. That�s a lot to b proud of�..u have such a good heart and believe in standing up for whats right. U have nothing to hang ur head about. Ur doing fine. I see ur progress. Keep up the good work phayth. Me: I feel all teary eyed�I try�sometimes I feel special�and not in a good way�like I don�t quite get how the world works�but I feel proud everytime I get something done�.like yay me! And every step makes me less scared�.so I think im finally getting this whole life thing�.thanks for havin my back�. Mom: But that�s whats beautiful about u�.ur different. We all have a lot of dork in us. Ull grow into ur womanly self. Don�t worry Me: Thanks�.thats so nice of u to say�seriously�I feel better about myself and my nerdiness�hah! Mom: Of course I have ur back�.dont u ever doubt that. And don�t compare what normal is to what u think other people are, or have. Being normal is relative�its based on someone elses opinions. And whose to say their opinion is correct?! Me: Lol�.that is true�screw those people anyway�. Mom: The same way u were conditioned into thinking somethings wrong with u, u can recondition urself into knowing ur ok. Me: Look at u sounding like my shrink! I know but it takes time�.im tryin though�I don�t want to bea failure or negative or a bum wonderin why life passed me by�.so I do at times force myself to be all bubbly and tell myself im not broken and I will make it� I felt better about myself after that. It feels good to have a mom. Lets see how long it lasts... 4:10 pm - Friday, Jul. 15, 2011 *********************************************************************************** |
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