Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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Clown Mask Peeled Off


I am woman enough to admit that I am slowly losing my shit. I am trying to fix it though. Mostly by shoving all my repressed memories that are leaking all over the fucking place back under the rock in the dusty part of my mind until I am better able to deal with it.

Its funny that as soon as happy Phaythles has a rough few days the fucking sky is falling and my mother is now trying to dump me off somewhere because she is tired of the attitude and doesnt deserve for me to be mad at her.

Fuck it. I'll put back on the damn clown mask and stop this train wreck.

7:14 pm - Monday, Sept. 30, 2013

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Awkward Fritter


On another random note I do believe Apple Fritter likes me. He keeps circling around with his weirdness and trying to talk to me. I do hope he doesnt actually get the nerve to ask me out though.

Because then I would have to find a new convenience store to haunt for slushies.

He made me laugh the other day because I was hyper and he said I seemed all smiley and shit. I told him I had homework so I've been loading up on my sugar intake and it makes me bounce off the walls a bit.

He looked almost aghast and goes please please tell me you are NOT in high school??

It made me laugh. God no I've made it past that stage.

7:54 pm - Thursday, Sept. 26, 2013

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Simple Silly Shit


Ugh. Where do I even start? Thankfully leaving a trail of my confusion and fucked-up-ness helps me work out things in my mind.

My brother Seventeen (21) is still out here in WI. I am currently saving my puny paychecks to help bring his car via ferry from MI to here.

I fucking hate my brother.

Hate.

I came upon this realization the other day. When he is around me I cannot stand to be around him or to converse with him. Every once in awhile we can laugh and joke but for the most part I want him to leave me the fuck alone.

Most of my memories of him are tainted by his abusive nature. I can remember so many times where he has called me a bitch, or a cunt. There have been countless times where he has physically jumped me bashing in my head or trying to choke the fucking life out of me. There has even been a few times where he has spat in my face while calling me names.

What would cause all this rage? Simple, silly, shit.

If I wouldnt give him 10 dollars. He'd be angered. If I wouldn't do a paper for him. He'd become vexed. One time he choked the shit out of me because I wanted to use MY computer and even though he has been using it for days he didnt want to give it up. If I didnt jump when he said jump then he would physically strike out.

I hate him. What I resent even more was all the things I have to do for him. Writing his papers because we cant let his dumb ass fail high school. Give him money for gas and cigarettes. Fill out is stinking FASFA and loan papers for school.

And if I didnt do those things then I wouldn't be considered a "team player" according to my mother.

I resent the position where I have to be Seventeens bitch. I was not put here on earth for this shit. And I tried to explain to my mom today but she only let me go so deep in my explanation and pretty much blew me off.

And honestly that doesnt really bug me that much either because finally in my 24 years I no longer feel that emotional I-must-jump-through-hoops-to-make-her-like me.

So I am saving up my student loans and my paychecks and I'm hoping by June Ill have enough to get a car and have some saved up so I can move on with my life.

My family is fucking crazy. But I've finally came to the realization that I am not as crazy as I think I am. Or I dont have to be the same shade as crazy as they are.

7:40 pm - Thursday, Sept. 26, 2013

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