Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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This Awesome Docu I Watched About Virginity

I just watched this awesome ass documentary called "How to Lose Your Virginity" by Therese Shechter. Once again its awesome.

Therese tackled what it meant to have a virginity, to be a virgin, to lose your virginity and all the complex, religious, mythology that plays into this.

Virginity means so many things to so many people. But its so focused on the females and it ties up in their identity.

I discovered theres these things called purity balls. Yes, it is a thing. Basically girls as young as 7 pledge to give their virginity to their father for safe keeping until they marry because then the virginity belongs to the husband.

It sounds totally creepy.

In one of the pledges it actually said "I give myself as a wedding gift to my husband". Which shows me that a lot of people have no issue considering their daughters as property. It may be 2014 but a lot of the old theology remains the same. Which is really sad. And fucked up.

Some purity balls include the father signing something that he would keep his daughters virginity safe while others had the daughters give a little box with a fucking lock and key in it to their father as their virginity for safe keeping.

Its one thing to keep your daughter safe from harm but this is on a whole other level. It also feels slightly dirty and uncomfortable to me. Especially the whole contract signing and box giving.

She also talked about how the government has spent over a billion dollars on abstinence only programs that dont fucking work. And every year 50 million dollars in taxpayer money is being funneled into these programs. I already knew this because I did a paper on sex education and how schools need a more comprehensive program to properly teach kids about sex. Comprehensive programs do teach abstinence but they also teach what sex is about and what to do if youre going to have sex. Kids will have sex when they want to have sex but they are less likely to use a fucking condom when they do so if all theyve been taught is keep your damn legs closed until marriage. America has the HIGHEST rates for teen pregnancy and teen STDs for a developed country. So Im glad she touched based on the money being spent on programs that dont work.

"Your sexuality doesnt belong to yourself. That someone else is there to tell you what to do with your sexuality." That quote stuck out to me because its true. There is such a conflicting message when it comes to sex. If a female has sex then she becomes a whore. If the female doesnt have sex then shes weird for not wanting it. Either way a female is usually being judged about her sexuality by other people making it not really belonging to her but to others.

I learned that hymens dont actually equal to virginity lost. I knew that not every female bled the first time she had sex. I dont think I ever connected that to the hymen per say. I dont know. But hymens are flexible and some dont break until childbirth. Apparently its just this extraness thats left over from making a vagina. Therese described it as a cheap plastic toy that has a film or those weird ridges to it. She also said theres no way to figure out if a female has lost her virginity. Its like looking a penis and trying to figure out if the male has had sex.

I also learned of different virginity tests. Like the one where is a woman sits on a barrel of smoke and that if smoke can be smelled on her breath then she isnt a virgin. Which sounds ridiculously silly but makes me wonder how many women back in the day were declared impure because of this?

The thing that really surprised me was that people can buy artificial hymens online.

Mind. Blown.

What the fuck?

Apparently its a thin piece of plastic covered in red dye. Its supposed to be inserted into the vagina so that during intercourse the penis gets smudged or the bed sheets with red so it looks like she was a virgin. Its very popular in Asia.

Has anyone heard of infection? How the fuck do you get the piece of plastic back out? Has anyone gone to the hospital over this? Has the plastic piece ever been pushed out accidentally during sex? Or gotten stuck on the tip of the penis? Is the damn dye even safe to put in the vagina? Why the fuck are so many woman running around acting like this is their first time? Who really wants to play virgin over and over again? Fuck, this is so stupid.

"...penis a magic wand that would transform me forever?" This quote (well, half of it) also caught my ear and made me laugh. Its just such a common thing. Its really what losing the virginity is all about. Being transformed on the cusp of woman hood and this penis somehow pushes every female over that cliff so that she is suddenly whole and a true woman. Well, until she really enjoys sex or has sex too many times with too many partners then she went too far over and became a raging whore.

"A womans not really a woman but a teenage girl" This one also caught my ear because it basically summarizes this whole thing. Woman have to straddle this line of being too sexual and being demure. Its the damn double standards that drive me apeshit.

Its also worth acknowledging that she talked about gay sex quite a bit. A lot of people define being a virgin by not having penile to vaginal sex. But what happens when youre a lesbian? Her and other speakers explored the limitations on this.

She also mentioned how being a virgin really never applied to black females back in the day because of slavery. They were looked at as hypersexual and being a black virgin was essentially useless because her bearing children made the masters money.

Also in the docu she had other speakers and such giving their advice and some of them have blogs. Ill check em out eventually but there were three that sounded interesting to me.

Scarleteen.com This one talks about sex to teens I guess openly. She seemed really informative when she talked.

Confessions of a virgin blog. Dont know the name of her actual blog. At filming she was a virgin but she blogged about it. Openly talked about doing everything but actual penile to vaganal sex with her boyfriend and buying sex toys which intrigued me.

Abiola Abram (???I hope I got her name right). Dont know her site but she talks about sex and I guess has a blog and educational videos. She seemed cool.

9:13 pm - Monday, Sept. 22, 2014

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Expensive Meds With Boomerangs & Company Jedi Mind Tricks

The brother is fine. Still need meds but hes good. Apparently they diagnosed him with pneumonia with something else. I forget the fancy word but it basically meant extreme asthma attack. With those two together it caused his lungs to fail. But the meds helped. He also needs a fancy new inhaler that costs round 200$ a month and his doctor wants him to be on for at least a year. Not to mention when he finally sees the allergy specialist he might need more meds.

Oh the joys of having a sick child. Super glad hes fine. But honestly not looking forward to all the bills and extra med costs. As of right now my moms insurance wont pick up the new shiny inhaler his doc claims he needs. So theyre hoping the doc can prescribe another one that the insurance will actually cover.

We've been so fucking dead at work. I normally enjoy retail because I get to chat and help a lot of different people throughout the day. But Ive been bored out of my fucking mind because not a lot of people are coming to visit me. Not exactly me per say but work goes by so much faster when I get to socialize for 8 hours instead of mindlessly staring off into space.

Last Tuesday to keep myself from losing my insanity I was reading childrens books. Some where cute and funny. Others boring as shit. Childrens literature is not for everyone. Just because you have a child, know a child, or randomly bumped into a child doesnt mean that you can write a good book. I did have a customer come in who thought it was funny that we were all standing around reading different books.

Im like a moody 3 year old when I get bored. I need stimulation. Lots of it.

My mother and Boomerang were together. He came over a few times. Then Saturday night they got into a HUGE ass fight. Lots of yelling and she was crying at some point. Then it got quiet and I thought all was well in Whoo-ville. Then Sunday she tells me they break up. Kept trying to suck me back in her useless drama. Talking about how she is just SO over him. Then shes texting him today.

Why am I even keeping track of all this?

For my fucking sanity.

I live in a household where Jedi mind tricks are ridiculously common place. So to prove Im not completely batshit I keep tabs. I used to do this shit when I lived with my grandma years ago because shes a crazy alcoholic. Just to reassure myself its them NOT me.

Well maybe just a little me.

5:52 pm - Monday, Sept. 22, 2014

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Past Fuck Ups - Future Lessons