Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** Bloom(TX) Yall. YALL. I just drove from Wisconsin to Texas. Whew, child. I cannot believe I did this. It took 3 days and 1146 miles to get here but my little green Chevy spark made it. I went from Wisconsin through Illinois, Missouri, Kansas*, Oklahoma finally Texas. I now live in the DFW area of Texas which makes it my 4th state I've called home. The wild part is I started with a zip code that begins with a 4 (MI) then I moved where the zip code starts with a 5 (WI), I spent a year where the zip starts with a 6 (IL) to finally end up in a state where the zip starts with a 7. As bizzare as my life is I always end up where I'm supposed to be. I'm turning #NerdyThirty next month and I honestly cant wait to see what adventures I'm going to get into. This is my year. I claim it. Things will bloom. Shout out to my mom for driving a uhual and towing her damn car! Whoooo. #WomanPower *Kansas is a shit state. The people CANNOT drive worth a damn. They cannot for the life of them merge onto an expressway properly. I would deadass pause and come to damn near a complete stop and cars would STILL hesitate before they onboard but then they'd be all on your ass cause you're not going fast enough. Listen Linda, first of all my car cant do 0-100 in 20 seconds and secondly where the FUCK was this fire and energy when your timid ass choked because you were too scared to enter the expressway?!?! Hmmm? HMMMM?! #MissMeWithTheBullshit And if that wasnt bad enough (it absolutely was if I could cuff em on the back of their head or snap my fingers like a parent chastising their child I would cause the fuck you got me coming to a complete STAND STILL ON THE EXPRESSWAY because you cant figure out how to get on) we ended up driving through a crazy storm. Thunder cracking, buckets of rain, zero visibility, water flooding the roads and oh there is ALSO a tornado on the loose somewhere. I'm not going through Kansas again. #DumpsterFire 7:19 pm - Saturday, May. 25, 2019 *********************************************************************************** Im Going to Live (WI) Im not going to kill myself. Well. Im going to try not too. It was tough and really scary. I basically told myself that ill be 30 this year and I need to go for it and figure out how to make MYSELF happy. Im moving to Texas. Im actually excited. Where i am in WI makes it 16 hours of driving to where im going. Crazy but doable. The majority of my family is staying in the midwest between WI and MI. Our mom and youngest brother is coming with. I wanted the fuck out of the midwest and was actively job/house hunting and the house where we were all living at she was renting and the owners decided to put it up for sale. Shes excited to also move to texas and she got us a house down there and blah blah. Shes also upset because none of the boys (aka her favorite kids) dont want to leave the midwest. Then my sister (another favorite) and her son are also staying in MI. Then of course aging parents (my grandparents) so she kind of mourns not being around them. Then on top of all that we moved to Fort Worth which has a population slightly under a million and is next to Dallas which has a population over a million. Their highway system is huge and she seems overwhelmed. It wouldnt surprise me when her lease is up in a year that instead of staying she ends up moving back to the midwest. Completely fine by me. My goal is to secure the job and a new place within months. She told me i didnt have to move out but im not listening to that. She likes me because im the only one who doesnt actively hate her. Shes my friend out of default. My siblings (her faves) only like her when shes giving them shit. She stops giving them shit and she becomes the worst mother ever. Shes also single and currently has no friends. But im not her favorite. She tolerates me. Im her default. For the longest time being a standby and a default was good enough for me. I wanted SO badly to have my mothers attention and for her to like me. I wanted acceptance in the family. But itll never happen. I no longer want to be someones default. I will take advantage of this situation since shes moving down here and ill get myself situated outside of her. This way i am dependent on myself. I realized i couldnt stand my family and they have toxic tendencies. I was willing to die to get away from them. Now i want to live and still get away from them. During my emotional meltdown i gained 30 pounds. Im working on losing it. Im down 10 so far. Woot woot! I will get in shape. I want to take more roadtrips. Im going to live. 12:39 pm - Thursday, May. 16, 2019 *********************************************************************************** I Fell Apart (WI) I blew up my life. Its imploded. I bought a car. I quit my job in MI after 2 months. I told them it was because of the commute (it was an hour to get to work). It was a government job. Great benefits. Paid well. I was making close to 21$/hr. Family was pissed. I then moved to WI to start over. Im staying in my moms basement sleeping in a hammock because I'll get a job and move out. I got another child welfare job. Private agency. Paid close to 20$/hr. Decent benefits. Quit after 2 days. I dont have enough to pay next months phone bill, insurance and car note. My family is pissed. Understandable. They want answers. I dont know how to explain how every day I wake up and I want to die. I'm tired. And I just dont want to be bothered any more. I just cant do this anymore. I'm broken. 7:43 pm - Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2018 *********************************************************************************** The Year of the Grown Up (MI) Its been awhile since Ive written in here. Im actually quite proud I remembered my password. It looks different on here although that could be because if I was documenting my vast amount of feelings I was doing it through wordpress so I could pretend I was this happy go lucky person who was bubbly 24/7. exhausting I think my only complaint with dland would be I cant update my profile which is slightly annoying. Anyway. I finally moved which is fantastic news. I went from IL with my mom + brothers, back to WI with my mom + brothers, to MI with my grandparents. Three states in six months & its basically full circle for me I feel like. Only this time around my grandparents seem grumpier and dirtier. They have two new hyper active dogs that are the fucking lickiest creatures ever + they shed a lot a lot. I have severe allergies which my grandma thinks Im faking. I am the child who had their tonsils taken out because they were inflamed along with these weird things in my nose called adenoids (I believe) when I was 8 or 9. Then around that same time I had to go in for literal allergy shots in my arm once a week for a few months + I think I was also supposed to go on a special diet but my family was like, ehh its too much work so we never did. Now as an adult I am taking antihistamine pills, nose spray and eye drops. But sure. Im totally faking my allergies because I hate your dogs. I mean youve only known me my whole life. Anyway. This isnt forever. The reason why Im even back here is because I got a job as a social worker. I officially start Monday & Im excited. Very fucking nervous but excited. Ive never held a grown up job before. Ive always been under-employed working retail. So Im excited because I get an opportunity to flex my brain power (I have a BS in psychology + a MS in social psychology about time I put em to use) I get to make more than 10$/hr + I get to help people (as corny as that sounds). Im just nervous because Ive never really worked in an office before + I am now responsible for dressing myself (retail = uniforms) + what if no one likes me? Its like first day school jitters where I need to figure out where to go, who to meet & who is going to eat lunch with me, its just the grown up version. So Im nervous but very excited because I have a job. I only need to deal with my grumpy + dirty grandparents for a couple months enough for me to save a few checks & then Ill be on my way. That is going to be exciting because Ive never really lived on my own. Even before this job when I was in WI & job hunting (living at moms house) my mom + Seventeen (26/brother) were trying to get me to verbally commit to getting a place with Seventeen. Every time I said no its like they werent hearing me or trying to make me feel incredibly guilty for not wanting to do that. Ill be 29 this year. I fucking deserve the right to live on my own. I deserve to be my own person & not have to be someone elses maid or cook or faux mom. So Im excited. Theyre in WI so I get a chance to really see what this adulting is all about. My grandparents truly act like they dont want me here which is cool. Its stressful but nice because it means no getting comfortable or reckless spending. I have six to eight weeks to collect enough checks to get the fuck out. This also means I need to kill it at work so that theyll keep me forever. In real life I am charming, fucking socially awkward but in the cutesy charming way. People (who happen to NOT be related to me) actually like me. So, Im excited. 2018 is going to FINALLY be my year. :) 5:52 pm - Wednesday, Jun. 13, 2018 *********************************************************************************** |
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