Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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I have the house to myself and it is fucking sweet right now. Too bad I didn't really know this was going to happen or I would have taken the whole weekend off so I could just lounge around and chill in solitude. It never happens. The last time I had my own place was eons ago.

Mom took the two younger boys, Bub (9) and Seven (14) to some water park. Basically to take them somewhere fun to distract from the fact that she is no longer going to FL. She also took Boomerang with her. She didnt tell me that. She was more like oh my goodness Im not used to taking a vacation without you and I hope the boys and me will be alright and blah blah blah. I wanted to look at her like bitch, please. But I no longer want to fight with her. At this point I no longer care if she wants to be in some dead end relationship. Her life is no longer my problem.

Shes starting to realize that. She goes back and forth between liking me and like resenting me. From mad and happy. Its hard for her to be a grown up on her own without me. She acts like I dont do shit but now that Im gearing up to leave she notices I do help but like she doesnt want to admit that. Even when Boomerangs bitch baby ass was complaining (again) about how Im mean and how I dont like him my mom pretty much shut him down. She told him at this point his ass was a non factor in my life and that I wasnt thinking about him at all. Like at all. It kind of made me laugh.

Im also glad that she finally reached a decision about where she was living. She kept going back and forth. She hounds this company in FL for essentially a year. They give her an interview and blah blah and shes all excited. Shes talking about palm trees and starting over. It was hashtag life changing. It was her dream job. She had it on her vision board and cried when they emailed her that they were considering her. At first none of the kids were down cause we were all skeptical about her moving from WI to FL. Aint no way. But after awhile she sold us. We believed.

During this time things with her and Boomerang were sour and her job was looking a little unstable. Then about mid Jan things were looking up again. Thats when she became wishy washy. Every 3 days it was Im staying in WI. Im moving to FL. I dont like WI. I dont know if I can do FL. I really want to go to FL. Literally me and Seventeen (23? 24?) were holding her together and giving her advice. I told Seventeen that mom was incredibly short sighted. When things were going left she wanted out but now that everythings good for the week she wants to stay.

It was just so annoying to keep propping her up mentally and emotionally. Its like who is the parent? Where is this mysterious thing called a grown up? Me and Seventeen (especially me) seriously had to deal all of her anxieties and insecurities and give her pep talk after pep talk. It was so incredibly exhausting.

During this back and forth she would either write me in or write me out of her plans. Like go to MI. Well no I need you to help me in FL. For Bub. But I need you to go to MI to help Thirteen (20) and her baby (still baking). One day I thought I was getting my freedom and the next day I wasnt. It made me twitchy.

She finally decides a couple weeks ago that she was going to stay. Seventeen is incredibly fucking pissed at her because he wanted to go to FL. Bub is also mad too. When Bub didnt want to go to FL originally she sold it to him as his allergies would be better and hopefully his asthma would be better and it would less of a chance of his lungs quitting on him again. Then she basically takes it all back and stays in WI. The poor kid had visions of himself running on a beach without wheezing.

The most important part of her making up her mind is I officially have a deadline of when I am quitting and moving. That makes me happy.

I know my G'parents are crazy. And my sister is fucking nuts. And something tells me shes going to try to stick her baby with me at all times because "shes young and wants to still do stuff" (but you know, not get a job or anything ::massive eye roll::) but its okay. I need a different type of crazy. And I seriously have a plan. A timeline. If everything goes correctly (like them letting me borrow their car until I get my own) then I should have a car by DEC. I thought about moving by JAN but I think Ill stay until MAY or JUNE just so I can save up some money while I can. Ill have my degree done by then. Ill have a years worth of experience somewhat in my field (closer than retail anyway) and Ill feel more comfortable about myself and my talents or whatever. Ill have some money saved up and Ill be able to move on and get my own place and be me. Phaythles. Who ever the fuck that is.

I cannot wait.

3:44 pm - Friday, Feb. 26, 2016

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