Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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Christmas I Cant

I. Am. So. Sick. Of. This.

Why is it a fucking pissing contest EVERY time we get in the kitchen to bake/cook?! I dont understand. Its Christmas eve for fucks sake and shes fucking moody and shit. Mind you I have never had this issue with gma and that bitch is mean, foul, and an alcoholic but we have never had issues in the kitchen. Baking used to be fun. It was a nice and fun way to bond with the elders in my family.

It started with a cake. I thought I was baking the cake and she got mad. She tried to play it off and Seventeen (22? 23? I cant remember anyones ages) believed her. I seriously tried to give her back the cake. All I did was cream the cream cheese and sugar for the middle. Thats all. But nope. She didnt want the cake. And I knew. I fucking knew she was pissed.

She kept making petty comments and digs until she stormed out of the kitchen. I mean she was talking about how she should have stayed at work and how she cant stand her ungrateful kids and how I always get to make the fun stuff and how shes not creative. When I refused to be baited and didnt comment she got all huffy and was like Ill just wait until youre done in this whiny voice. Then she walked out and shut her bedroom door rather hard.

Im just. Im so fuckin over this. She is stealing my holly jolly. I dont know what else to fucking do at this point. I wanna snap at her but I dont wanna make this worse. Im done baking. Fuck it Ill stay out of the fucking kitchen.

Thank god I bought stuff to make mojitos. Im getting drunk. I completely understand why people chain smoke, get high, or get drunk around the holidays. Family is stressful.

1:29 pm - Wednesday, Dec. 24, 2014

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Holly Jolly Asshole

Oh the holly jolly. Im excited christmas is around the corner. There has been some ups and downs coming up to here. Jeepers.

I dont even know where to begin quite honestly. I just, today, got chewed out for some reason. We were good. We needed to go to the store for last minute christmas dinner shit that we have forgotten. It was me, our mom, and Bub (8). It was cool. Then we finish grabbing the little things and was in line. Mom was weird and so was Bub. Then we get to the car and she was pissed. Talking about how fucking ungrateful all her damn kids were and how she cant stand us.

What?

Apparently she was mad at me because on our way to the store one of our conversations was how she thinks Seven (13) has low testosterone. I dont think he does but she is obsessing about him possibly having a little penis for like a year. He's only 13 and hes not going to stop growing in that area until like 15. One of her reasoning is that acne is connected to low testosterone according to her research.

Ummm...what?

I was confused. According to my class when we were discussing hormones acne is caused by high amounts of testosterone which is why boys get hit with acne a lot. Other hormonal changes causes acne as well which is why anyone can get it. I have never heard low testosterone causing it. Not to mention my other brothers have acne and they dont have this problem apparently.

I was confused and trying to figure out her reasoning. She later said I was challenging her authority and I was being an asshole. I was also apparently an asshole yesterday as well when I made a comment that we dont always pray. Which we do not. She always drags us to a prayer circle on holidays before we eat but its not the norm for us. Boomerang makes dinner for the first time in this crazy ass relationship and all of sudden we're acting differently. Well she is. Her voice also goes up a bit too and she gets that weird baby voice chicks get when they really like a boy. I thought it was odd that we were praying. She said I was an ass and that I disrespected her. Perhaps I did. I honestly didnt mean too.

She then said she was tired of my attitude and if I dont start respecting her I can leave because she was tired of the bullshit and it will no longer be tolerated.

What?

Before I could even figure out what the fuck was going on she then turned the radio up really loud therefore ending any actual conversation we could have had. Yeah not passive aggressive at all. Sure we'll keep going in circles with our emotions and not properly work them out.

She was also mad at me a couple weeks ago because I decided to be nice to Boomerang. In my mind Im not mad at just him but her as well. He can only treat her the way she wants to be treated. And she doesnt want to be treated all that well. Fucking pathetic. But it isnt my fight. So fuck it.

I bought Bub a chess set for his bday cause he really wanted one. Boomerang then took the time and played a few games with Seven and has been making more of an effort to be nice to the boys. So Ive been making more of an effort to be nice to him. We had a mini conversation and I was proud as hell at my attempt to be nice. She started acting weird then.

A week after that I bought him some nuts and this thing of expensive chocolate. The shit was half off at work plus discount so I was like why not. At this point Ive been able to say hi without grunting. I let mom know and she was seriously annoyed. She mention how she cant stand Boomerang and she wants to break up with him. I didnt even acknowledge her comments and said I was going to wrap his presents and just wanted to double check to make sure he likes chocolate and nuts. The next day she mentions how Eleven (17) told her she could walk away or some shit when he saw her upset over Boomerang. The way she looked at me while she said this and I knew it was a dig. Still refused to be baited. I just shrugged.

Things have been frosty between us for quite some time. They thawed out the other day when she said she was done with Boomerang (again) and that she mattered. I told her she did matter. The following day her and Boomerang were back together. A few days after that was yesterday when he came over. She told me yesterday that he bought me something. What the fuck? Then told me I better not be an asshole when I open up it. What?

I then preceded to be nice yesterday to Boomerang. We had some nice words and laughs. Then I wandered away and did my own thing. After dinner (and my prayer comment) my mom actually gave me a hug and thanked me for being nice and how hard it was for me because she knows I dont like him.

Now today Im all sorts of asshole.

And I officially cant keep up with this roller coaster relationship. They are just so weird together. I know though it isnt all him. Most of it is her.

6:57 pm - Monday, Dec. 22, 2014

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Past Fuck Ups - Future Lessons