Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire
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Questions & Some Half Ass Answers
Do I share my secrets in the dark...
Sometimes my load is so heavy...
But im dyin for it to part... I question my sanity
I question what is wrong with me
I question why older married men find me attractive
I question their need to touch me
I question why I let them
I question if I bring some of this shit on myself I question
I question
I question I question why I got molested when I was younger
I question why I run to my 'happy' place in my head
I question why I dnt fight back
I question am I so fucked up I might possibly like it
I question if I somehow give them reasons to do this to me
I question my sanity I question
I question
I question I question why life was hard
I question why I let my gma tell me I fuckin wasnt worth shit
I question why Im not pretty
I question why I try to hide from life
I question why I cnt get my life together
I question if Ill always be that failure I question
I question
I question What I need is some answers...
What I need is to find them myself...
What I need is to take a good hard look at myself and life and change it...
What I need is to breathe...
7:36 pm - Monday, Oct. 19, 2009
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Shattered(poem)
You wanted to fuck me
And I said okay
I was too drunk
To stop our actions
The horny married man
The exotic black girl
I figured that was all I was worth As I prop myself upon the wet bar
Your greedy hands explored my body
The heavy breathing damaging my ears
Buttons on my pants become undone
Fingers that roamed and found what was needed Something inside me shattered
Something inside me wanted to cry I arched my back so you had a better position
My thoughts were too scattered to form an emotion
My thoughts too scattered When your mouth found my breast
My body tensed
All I wanted was for you
To get the fuck away from me Nice girls cant say fuck off
Nice girls cant hurt your feelings
Im an empty nice girl You asked me what I was thinking
As you molested
The temple my screaming spirit was trapped in
You asked me again
Again
Again I started to cry as I pushed you away
I quietly ran upstairs
To get outside
Careful not the wake your wife As Im gulping fresh air
Those damning thoughts
Crashed through me with clarity
You had followed me Apologizing
Again
Again
Again The shame burned through me
I became a whore
Or tried to I looked at you with such fuckin contempt
Why me
Why did you want me
The room is spinning
Im so fuckin drunk
Hardly holding myself up
But all you saw was your golden ticket
To escape between the legs of youth
10:35 pm - Saturday, Oct. 17, 2009
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Fuck
*I fuckin hate my life
*I wanna curl up n a ball n cry... *Cupcake n I cried n her car n my driveway
*Secrets n the dark...
12:13 am - Saturday, Oct. 17, 2009
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Deflated(poem)
Sin doesnt exist without one self
One has never started pure
Tears help relieve the pain
They wash away the sorrow
But the seed of guilt has been buried deep
Arent you wicked
Arent you evil
It hurts so much
And your life
Takes a numbing twilight effect
But what does a person of this nature do
When shes burned out all her options
Of self destruction
What does she do
To even feel alive again
Where do you begin
To fix whats wrong
When your so hollowed out
Disconnected from your emotions
That it scares you
And you tightly grasp that fear
For when it evaporates
What do you have left
To blanket the void
12:09 am - Saturday, Oct. 17, 2009
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Past Fuck Ups - Future Lessons
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