Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire

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'Cut' Quotes & Opinions

�You lean forward, place a box of tissues in front of me, and your black leather chair groans like a living thing. Like the cow it used to be before somebody killed it and turned it into a chair in a shrink's office in a loony bin.�

�...finally I was in the visitors' restroom, rubbing my wrist along the teeth of the paper towel dispenser. It was like my whole body was just this one spot on my arm that was begging to be scratched, carved, cut-anything, anything-for relief. There was a jab, bright beads of blood, and finally I was OK.�

�...but just thinking about talking was exhausting.�

�...your notebook in your lap. I hate that notebook because I know some random thing- like your chair reminding me of a dead cow- could end up in there, proof that I'm crazy.�

�It's a high. I mean, you feel amazing. No matter how bad you felt before. It's a rush. Like suddenly you're alive.�

�A sudden liquid heat floods my body. The pain is so sharp, so sudden, I catch my breath. There's no rush, no relief. Just pain, a keen, pulsing pain....It's never hurt like this before. And it's never not worked.�

�'Why don't you tell us what's bothering you?...Whatever it is, baby, it can't hurt worse than this.'�

�How do I feel? I feel like cutting. I don't know why. And I don't tell you.�

�'I may not want to get rid of my scars...They tell a story.'�

I read the book 'Cut'...its by Patricia McCormick...it says she took 3 yrs to research the book...and its a little book...so I doubt it...

But Im glad she researched it I guess...and me re-reading after a few years reconfirms that...

Its about this girl Callie who cuts herself...but she doesnt seem lame...or emo...or because its the thing to do...and Im grateful for that cause the wanna be self mutilators honestly piss me off...

I used to do it...and I hate tellin people that...because its like they look at u funny...like u were one of those ppl...when it wasnt even like that...and I hate that it became such a cult...that ppl who are cutters/carvers/burners...etc that they get looked at funny...

But whatever...it was a good book...I had like an old twinge in wantin to harm myself again...mutilation is an addiction...and even though I havent done it in years...it lays dormant...

Readin this book just reminds me of how I used to feel when I did it...and all the emotional bullshit that helped trigger it...

4:13 pm - Sunday, Oct. 03, 2010

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Past Fuck Ups - Future Lessons