Trying To Put Out My Dumpster Fire *********************************************************************************** Therapy Vol.8 I keep not wanting to write. The thing is when I unbury these memories I usually feel tender and icky in a way. I unearth them but I dont know how to deal with them and move on. They linger painfully for awhile. I guess that means they go away but I'm not sure. I feel like I'm opening old wounds but then after I drain em I'm not stitching back up the wounds. They start closing on their own. Which I guess is good? I dont know. I think I'm over thinking this. I've been thirty for awhile and it feels okay. Good I guess. I dont really feel that different. Still job hunting. I'm super hopeful I'll interview this month and start next month. I'm getting my shit together. I've joined a gym. Been going 4/5 days a week super early. A mix of cardio and weights. I've also been doing yard work which has me very active and busy. Overall I feel good. Just been getting sunshine and moving about. I even placed my hammock outside. That psychologically made me feel so good. I now have a bed again and it's almost a signal to me that I'm putting the pieces back together in my life. If I eat to cope, where does the stress go? I feel personally called out with this question. Honestly the stress goes nowhere. It's basically on pause while I eat trying to enjoy my sugar high. Eventually the stress comes back and I eat again. Over and over again. Now I'm fat and the stress is still there. My methods of dealing with things suck. When you were younger, did you ever try to run away from home? What made you want to leave? What did you pack? How far did you go? I wanted to run away SO many times. The chaos of the house would be too much or my social anxiety would kick in. Strangely the first memory that pops in my mind is when I was living at this girls house. I've mentioned her before on here, Kitkat. We were friends. She lived a few blocks from my grandparents house. Her bus stop was a fee steps from mine. I lived at her house at this time, 8th or 9th grade because I was once again kicked out from my grandparents house for being difficult. I dont even know what I did, it was usually something mild and stupid. My mom kept me for a day, maybe two and literally called around to see who would take me (because she didnt want me). I remember when she stopped me off with two trash bags she was standing in Kitkat's living room crying how I'm moving out and how I was the oldest and how I grew up so fast and that she'll miss me. I remember patting her on the back, telling her I'll be fine and itll be okay and I promised to visit often. Kitkat and her mom thought it was sweet because my mom had sold it to them that I didnt want to transfer school districts and since Kitkat was an only child we would be like sisters and blah blah. I was annoyed, hurt and betrayed. My mom only called or bothered me when I had to watch her other kids. Didnt matter if it was a school day, weekend or if I had plans. I had to drop everything and become available. Anyway. At this point I was having a tough go at thing. I'm at this all white school in the middle of fucking nowhere Michigan. They dont really like black people. The most they had at one time was when I was 1 of 4. I have that going against me. I'm dirty and smelly. Kitkat and her mom were white trash and they never cleaned. I cleaned but there was only so much I can do. When I moved in there, there were maggots in their sink because they never did dishes. Just piled them in their sink and left them. Occasionally rinsed off a plate or a cup. They had dogs which they never cleaned after. There would be dog shit on the living room carpet. I refused to clean that up. They would have garbage that stunk to the high heavens on their front porch. When I lived there I actually sorted through that shit and drug it to the curb on trash day. After a few weeks and heavy scrubbing their porch, their shit was clean. The thing with them though was I'd leave for a weekend to babysit and come back to the house being filthy. They refused to maintain it. My mother left me in these conditions. She also knew they were bad because everytime she would pick me up she would talk about how bad I smelled and I would have to take a shower and change my clothes when I got to her house. So, I'm getting made fun of because I'm half black and I smell and because I live with the poorest family within the school district. On top of that, Kitkat saw this as an opportunity to social climb because being filmy and white was better than being black. When they called me names like gorilla and laughed, she would laugh too. Her philosophy was basically better me than her. She let everyone know my mother abandoned me at her house (my mom was actually getting groceries in exchange for me staying there which was insane that a single parent would do that instead of simply letting me live with her) and how my gma was an alcoholic. Although she wasnt the first to bring up the fact that my gm was a drunk. It wasnt really a secret. It was one of those worst kept secret type of things where it just wasnt mentioned openly. I actually got free lunch in 8th grade without filling out the paperwork because they fucking pitied me. Anyway. Here I am overweight, mixed chick. Smelled. Disheveled. Gmas a drunk. Mom doesnt want me. I fucking HATED school (the environment not the education. I actually really like to learn). I hated getting on the bus. I racked up a lot of absences. I wanted to skip school this day and for some reason they wouldnt let me so I walked out like I was going to wait for the bus. I didnt actually know where to go because its early in the morning, in the middle of nowhere, Michigan where there is over a foot of snow. I didnt have winter boots, coat or even a fucking hat (I truly thought I was too cool for such things at that age and usually ran around in a hoodie, jeans and sneakers). I went to their backyard and climbed a tree. And stayed up there for hours. It sounds stupid. Writing it makes me cringe. In hindsight it was COMPLETELY stupid but I knew I could not get on that bus again. I couldn't do it. I was mentally and emotionally drained. Of course on this particular day the bus driver didnt blow by the house like he usually did if a kid was not already outside waiting. He instead stopped and honked his horn a bunch. We couldn't see each other because I was in the back, but listening to it at 7am was quite the spectacle. Even if I wanted to change my mind, embarrassment of being part of this circus kept me firmly in the tree. This, however, alerted Kitkat (who shouldve also gotten up to get on bus) and her mom. They went outside to see what in the world was going on. They realized I was gone and went to find me. I thought they wouldve seen footprints and followed them to the tree, but whatever. I eventually got down awhile later cause I was frozen and I found out they called my mom. Who of course was pissed. This meant I had to stay with her for awhile until she could find a new home for me or talk my grandparents into keeping me again. Not a full on runaway but I was trying to escape. Another time I attempted to leave the family was when I had turned 18. My birthday is at the end of June so this had to be after that, sometime in the first half of July. I was living with my mom and siblings. I remember I was volunteering at a hospital and job hunting. I dont really remember why me and mom were fighting but we were. She always got super weird with me around my birthday. It was like once mothers day passed (early/mid may) she would start being mean, getting annoyed with me, picking at me, being passive aggressive and angry. We would beef until around the 4th of July when my birthday would be well over. This had been going on for years. I've been having awkward birthdays since I was 12. This is also why birthdays are just days to me. Anyway. This time it was no different. We were fighting and I really had no idea why. I just vaguely remember her yelling at me and me crying. As soon as there is tension in the air I choke up and try to hide within the quiet place in me. At this point I think I was also pissed or annoyed and basically was like I should leave because she needed me more than I needed her since I watch her kids. She demanded her key back and for me to leave. One of my brothers, Seventeen I believe, was trying to get us to calm down. I called her bluff by giving her the key and leaving. I had no destination in mind and literally had the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. I think I had a tiny purse or wallet because I had my birth certificate and social security card with me. I just walked. I wasnt sure where I was going. Where I was staying. What i was doing. I calmed down a bit after while. I was also kind of scared. At first walking was okay. It was night time though so i knew i eventually needed somewhere to sleep. I was sweaty. I started to smell and wished i put deodorant on before i left. How would i wash my clothes? I mean, i liked the outfit but i didnt really want to wear it every day for the rest of my life. I continued to walk. I also thought about killing myself. Wishing and hoping I'd just tip over from a heart attack or stroke. I also remember regretting not having anything sharp to cut myself with. To help soothe the emotional turmoil inside my head and chest. I continued to walk. Part of me was amazed at how far I could go. Part of me was really tired and knew I would collapse as soon as I stopped. I dont remember needing to pee or anything. Maybe I knew I didnt have anywhere to go so I repressed the feeling? I'm not sure but the landscape started to change. Traffic and streetlights thinned out. It was peaceful in a way. I continued to walk. I remember thinking running away seemed a lot easier in all the books I've read. The characters having one big adventure and eventually getting their lives together, free from the awful crazy people in their lives. I wanted that but started to realize how difficult that life was and how I couldn't actually do it. That is when I realized I was actually headed towards my gmas house. In my head there was grandeur but my body knew better and kept a more realistic approach. I continued to walk. I also got pulled over by the police. They wanted to know who I was and what was I doing at 2 (or maybe 3?) am. I didnt have ID at that time but I remember giving him my birth certificate and social security card (still not sure where I pulled it from. Purse? Wallet? Pocket?) and kept repeating I was going to my gmas house and that she lived down the road. They kept asking if she was expecting me or if I wanted a ride. I kept decling because I knew they wouldve been PISSED if a police escort showed up at their house in the middle of the night. Eventually they left. I continued to walk. At this point I'm in the country. My gma lives on a dirt road. There are no streetlights. There are a lot of trees. It is dark. So fucking dark. It is late and I'm tired. I was scared as shit. Just scared. It seemed to take a hundred years. I finally get to my gmas house. It's really late so I dot go inside because I figured they would be pissed. I go inside the po'barn and lay on a bench they had out there randomly. I cried my self to sleep and woke up freezing. Both of then had left for work. I get inside the house and started to cry. I was cold, exhausted and really sore. I couldn't believe I did all that. I called my gmas cell to let her know I was at her house. She answered because she was confused as to why her house phone was calling her since both her and her husband left for work. I started sobbing and promised to leave. She told me it was okay and for me to get some rest. I basically slept on and off all day. My mother called to apologize (although now that I think of it she really doesnt apologize, we just sort of move on) and let me know I had jobs calling back to set up interviews. Seventeen was surprised I walked all that and admitted that mom was super shocked and worried that I actually left. I went back the next day. I could never figure out how to leave crazy behind. I eventually ended up starting this journal and working at a childrens toy store. I've never looked it up before but I just did. 13 miles and over 4 hours according to Google. It was more than that though because I didnt walk straight to gmas house. I was deadass wandering the city for awhile trying to figure out what to do. "i fell apart so many times./So,/what does that day about me/besides/i live through/wars"~Nayyirah Waheed "There is no greater agony that bearing an untold story inside you"~Maya Angelou 3:04 pm - Wednesday, Jul. 17, 2019 *********************************************************************************** |
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