If You Peer Into My Eyes/Can You See The Real Me?

***********************************************************************************

The Ghostly Summer (IL)

I am a ghost.

I wasnt able to get my shit together to move away from my mom. Im honestly not completely surprised since random last minute plans rarely work out in a positive manner.

When we got to the new house in IL as we were unloading the truck--

with the help of awesome moving guys

--she met the neighbor. She pointed out the 2 boys and said those were her children.

We briefly made eye contact.

I looked away and knew in my heart that it was time for me to go. It's the same bullshit all over again.

She later came up to me and apologized and said she couldnt really claim me because of the lease and blah blah blah. Its basically the same shit of her pretending she is a single mother of a handful of children instead of a tribe.

She will say how fun it is to be here and how we get to get out and explore but it brings about a hollow feeling for me because I have to stay hidden. I have to be invisible and I cannot bring attention to myself. Mustn't bring attention to the ghost. She sells one story while in actuality she doesnt truly want me to apart of it.

Today I got in slight trouble I believe. Seventeen (25) came out to visit--

and to stay a bit

--and we ran out to Target to grab a few things to make for dinner. Anyway here I am thinking Im playing it smart by having us go to the backdoor--

which we normally go in and out. when there are ghosts/stowaways dont ever use the front.

--and there is the freaking neighbor. He smiled and was like hi are you the new people and without even thinking I was no shes at work I'm watching the kids. I laughed and said nice to meet you too. His smiled dimmed when he realized I had Seventeen with me. He probably thought I was a floozy babysitter.

I let mom know when she got home and she was all like let me go meet him. He wasnt home but she sounded annoyed. She said she was going to tell him Im her sister--

the thing that bothers me about that is that we're not the same color. moms white. and yes shes my mom but I dont look like Im mixed. I look like I could be full black. Im not dark but Im not super light. and she doesnt look like shes anything but white. pale skin. dark hair. green/blue eyes. so when she does the sister card I always feel like Im adopted. like I truly dont belong. like her family saw a commercial to pay 10 cents a day to adopt some african orphan.

--and she says it like its annoying. Like I am the reason why she lies. Well. I am. But I dont force her. Seventeen was like that was the best you could come up with? He said he wasnt paying attention to me cause hes tired or he would have talked to the guy instead of me.

My thing is I dont lie very well. I never could. And its gotten me into so much trouble. She started denying my existence at like 8. Do you know how many times I have fucked up my lines? A lot. Do you know how many times she would get so fucking PISSED that I fucked up my lines? A lot. Its gotten to the point where I get full of anxiety when Im with her around other people. I dont call her mom or her name. I speak directly to her or I dont speak at all.

I just hate feeling like this.

She doesnt like to let me go either. Shes always like dont leave me. Or if I move she'll move. Im a doll she plays with when shes bored or lonely or needs advice but when she goes out to the real world I have to be put away and hidden because shes too ashamed that she has me.

She knows I want out. Its giving her slight anxiety. She doesnt seem too thrilled with IL as of right now. She says she'll move in 18 months when her lease is up and we'll go wherever.

I plan to be gone by the summer. Ill definitely have enough to get a decent little car. The job I wanted is still available and it makes me sad because the life I could of had. I cant do anything about it now. I honest to god need 2 more months of saving and I'll be good.

I plan to be gone by the summer.

6:53 pm - Wednesday, Jan. 11, 2017

***********************************************************************************

Swirls In The Universe (WI)


I have a plan.

I have spent most of Christmas day in exile basically which is whatever.

Mom made it clear that we need to split (I swear we have this lecture like a few times a year and Im always surprised to receive it) because shes grown and shes tired of tip toeing around me.

That part amused me slightly on the inside because I feel like most of the time we butt heads is because Im annoyed that shes tip toeing around like shes 16 instead of acting like a fucking adult.

Then she hits me with her theory looking all triumphed with glee as if her shit was sound. I didnt speak to her. Dealing with crazy people is exhausting.

Her theory basically falls along the line of loyalty. She is JUST like gma for this bullshit. They dont like each other and the other gets territorial and pissy if you do something for the other. But when theyre around each other they fake like each other. And sometimes they fake like each other when they arent around each other. It depends on their mood and its hard to keep up. But her point basically boiled down to I like gma enough to buy her christmas presents (I sent her 2 pairs of fuzzy socks. I got em on sale. Gma sends us all a little gift so every year we return the favor.) and gma doesnt like mom (or mom doesnt like gma. whatever) so by me sending gma a gift (seriously socks) then that means Im a hypocrite and that I dont TRULY care about her well being. And since I truly dont care about her well being because I sent gma socks this means I have NO right to be upset that shes seeing Boomerang again. Because having some lurking guy creepily watching you open presents all grumpy like is the same as sending my gma socks.

I kinda get at what she was saying. If I can like gma who doesnt like her then I should like Boomerang who also doesnt like her but I find that logic sad.

Anyway.

She said some other shit and I basically took it as I could be free. Which excites me. Although I am not really prepared for my freedom I guess. I should have been though technically since she pulls this shit with me all the time so I should have had money saved but I refuse to cry over spilled milk.

I have some money saved but not enough to get all that I need done. I contacted this used car place that had this really cute car under 70000 miles for a few grand. I can only do half and I hope theyll get back to me and hopefully I can finance for the rest. My credit is a little shaky but I think theyll go for it.

If they do then thats great. The next step was job hunting. I found this job that I really want. I mean really REALLY want. I dont pray or anything but I believe in good juju and speaking things into existence. So I keep envisioning myself with the car working at this place.

Its in MI. It would use my BS in psychology (I love typing that because it makes me giggle. some psychology is bullshit. not MINE obviously, hah) working with families and children. Its basically like social work but its not. I know I can do it. Retail has taught me how to be firm with people and how to express myself in a polite way even when I disagree with something. It also taught me how to handle stressful situations where you have to be on your toes. And I know my personality can handle it. Plus it pays nice, like an actual fucking grown up and everything.

My back up job is not quite as nice but I like it. Itll get me in the door working with clients as an intake specialist and utilizing my degree. At first when I saw it was 3rd shift I was like ugh its not going to work. But then I realized I would be living on my own (freeeeedoooommmmmm!!!!). Its not like I have to be up in the morning or anything like that. I could sleep and still have time for homework and all that fun stuff.

I havent applied to either just yet because I need to hear from the car people. I hope this works. Honestly because if not then I have to go to IL with her until at least the summer then Ill have plenty for a car (because I was going to buy one in march. I just didnt give myself enough time. I didnt realize when I set this goal in Sept/Oct that I wouldve been moving in Dec. Stupid magic 8 ball didnt clue me in) and can be free but MY job probably wont be available which is going to make me so sad.

Plus I feel like if I go to IL Im going to die. More pieces of me will be lost. And right now my resolve is so strong to actually walk away from these people.

Im even going through my stuff with a super critical eye and donating what I KNOW I wont need for my new life. Plus Im only taking stuff that will fit into a little car. I have a huge trash bag for Goodwill and Im not even done yet. I even ordered a new and slightly smaller mattress that comes in a bag or a box so itll fit. Plus a new frame (that comes in a box. hopefully not a huge box) thats made for efficiency apartments that sits the mattress up high enough that allows totes to be stored under. Nothing fancy but Im excited. Plus I got em super cheap (thanks wayfair!).

So Im officially putting it into the universe that this is the direction I want my life to take.

6:44 pm - Sunday, Dec. 25, 2016

***********************************************************************************

Random. List. Christmas. Shit. (WI)


Here's my list of random shit:

* We're moving to IL. My mom got a job there. Im actually maybe sorta excited. Im considering it the 3rd phase of my life. MI. WI. Now IL. Im basically going to dominate the midwest.

* I think my 10 year old brother Bub is trolling me about Santa. I think he knows hes fake but maybe concerned that without Santa the whole jig is up. I assured him that if he wants to discuss Santa with me he'll still get presents and a stocking no matter what he says. Im also at the point where I want to rip the whole band aid off. Like how mom wants to get up at 3am to fill stockings. I say tell him and lets clear the air but mom says no.

* She invited Boomerang over which upsets me. They have been broken up forever and he never comes around. When mom got the job in IL he was basically upset that his fuckbuddy is moving away. So she invites him for Christmas and hes basically a voyeur which is the part that upsets me. He doesnt participate. He brings no gifts and wants no part of any holiday games/food we do. He wont even hang out in the living room for a holiday movie. He sits in moms room basically ignoring us until its time to open presents and then he just watches us open them and comments and wants to touch and smell everything. And when its over he goes back to moms room and goes back to ignoring us. Creepy bum. He has an ex wife, a couple kids, a mom and some brothers (this is all I know about) so why is he here when he contributes nothing and hes not in a relationship with her?

* I stopped talking to everyone because I think this is stupid plus Im tired because I worked today. Mom goes sooooo overboard on complimenting Eleven (19) his gift to her. She seriously spent 10 minutes solid going over and over how great this little bottle of perfume was.

* Eleven was supposed to go half with Seventeen (25) on this expensive cutting board that sits out on the counter that mom wanted. Eleven conveniently forgets about it and does not tell Seventeen that he no longer wants in. Seventeen orders it and last week Seventeen moved to another state (kinda sad. kinda relieved.) and Eleven had no cash, didnt want to pull out money, and basically made it clear he wasnt going in on half. Eleven said he wasnt consulted but I talked to both him and Seventeen. Then Eleven went all fucking week talking about how he didnt know what to get mom and how he had no present to give her and all woe is him. Mind you I sent him a fucking list of things that mom wanted weeks ago. Along with the idea of going half on this cutting board. But whatever.

* I snapped at mom a few weeks ago, maybe more about her and Boomerang. They broke up for the 45634 time and she had this tone like ugh he wants to go out. Bitch you either A) KNEW he was coming over or B) you dont MIND hanging out with him. I told her to quit being so damn childish and either commit to Boomerang or leave him the fuck alone but she needed to stop acting like him coming over (when she likely begged him) was in an inconvenience in front of our faces (it didnt go over well. she of course stopped talking to me. she wanted me to apologize but i aint doing that cause my ass aint wrong. nope.) cause then in front of his she acts like WE have the problem. Or specifically me. Like today she let him know I was here or some shit so he basically hid in the room because of me. Like its my fault he doesnt want to hang out with us. Bitch, yall grown right?? Dafuq.

* I almost have enough for a car. When we move I just need a little part time gig thats flexible since I got sucked in to homeschooling Bub again. Once summer hits he is going back to real school for real and I will be free. I should also definitely have my car by then and I want a grown up job and to get my own fucking place. My family gets on my damn nerves. I feel like Im backwards as fuck and it takes me forever to get to where I need to go but I will get there. Shit.

* My sister and my nephew came out for a visit in November for 2 weeks. Luurrrvveee the nephew but the sister gets on my damn nerves. Every. Last. One. Of. Them. I forgot how whining and sensitive she is. I know IM an emotional basketcase but this chick is just so damn difficult to talk to. You literally cant say anything to her without her flipping the fuck out. Then you get hate texts about how she despises you and no longer wants to be here and how we'll never see her again. To you breaking out fucking hand puppets and a fucking diagram to explain what you meant LITERALLY had nothing offensive in it to her apologizing and acting like she never sent the messages. Bitch, I REMEMBER -_-
This was like this every 2 days. It was exhausting and I was sooooo relieved when she left.

* But I miss my nephew and I know she aint treating him right. I mean she isnt abusive but its a teenager (shes 20 almost 21 but her mental/emotional level I would put at 17) having a baby. They might mean well but they aint all right. Plus she would rather hang out on her phone all day and having a baby distracts her from social media. Unless she wants a picture to show how cute her baby is and how well she takes care of him -_-

* I dont know where this came from. Maybe having the baby over triggered something. But. I think my grandpa (technically step) the one married to my gma sexually molested me when I was younger. Theres like fragments that popped up and I keep trying to shut that shit down. Cause I think of him fondly now. I lived there on and off my entire life but something happened when I was younger like ages 7-10 is what is popping up. Its fucking with me and I cant deal with this right now. I cant mention it to anyone cause its him. Its so fucked up and weird. Its like I want to remember but I honestly dont. But Im kinda glad I didnt move back there.

9:58 pm - Saturday, Dec. 24, 2016

***********************************************************************************

Past Fuck Ups - Future Lessons

Current Issue

Profile

Past Issues

Note

DLand

Contact

Those I Heart:

Burntpenguin
Silentpoetry
Jonathan
Myf-nlife
Valasaurus
Cherrygash
Atwowaydream
Vxxen